Dear Mission Viejo,
I miss you so much. I long for your bright, clean neighborhoods, your pretty, open parks, your flowers. And though we are but one city away, Lake Forest does not compare to you. I'll be back one day, Mission Viejo, unless of course, Lake Forest sucks the life out of me first.
Top Ten Reasons I Hate Lake Forest
10. It's dark. Ok, so I live in a "charming" neighborhood called The Woods. It should be called, All of the Grimm Brothers Fairy Tales Were Written Here. Emphasis on the Grimm.
9. Speaking of Grimm Brothers, my next door neighbor is reminiscent of the Troll from the 3 Billy Goats Gruff story...."Who's that trip trapping on my bridge??!!" (I'm not being extra cruel here, people, she is really mean.)
8. All of my houseplants died, I miss my pretty white rose bushes, and the only things I can put in my yard are ferns. I have grown to love them, but I miss flowers. (Ok, so this is really just an expansion of reason #10.)
7. Every eatery is a "family friendly" yukky chain restaurant.
6. The gigantic eucalyptus trees in my neighborhood are parasitic and have a nasty habit of falling down and crushing roofs and cars. Also, the maintainance on said trees includes regular tree cutting and wood chipping. "Huh? I didn't hear you...my ears were bleeding, and my head was insane from listening to wood chipping machines from dawn till dusk!"
5. Our idiotic City Council has made the news of late for removing a playing apparatus from a local park that had scenes from Noah's Ark on it. They were concerned that some residents would find it "offensive." I'm offended. I will be voting against every one of you in the next election. I will enter "Ruby Maestas" as a write-in candidate over you. She is smarter.
4. Leaf blowers abound. (re: #6.) For the love of all that is holy, can we not invent one that doesn't sound like a freaking 747? and Hey!...City Council! If you're not too busy making sure a bible story doesn't offend a 4 year old, how about a noise ordinance that makes it illegal to fire those noisy bitches up before, oh I don't know, how about 8:00am?!
3. The median age of my neighbors is 87.
2. I have to drive to Mission Viejo to take R and R to the park. The closest park to my house has a big duck pond and is beyond grossly covered in duck and goose crap.
1. El Toro Road and the 5.
Some of you will think I'm being too harsh on Lake Forest. Only I wouldn't be able to hear your reasons because of the busy leaf blowers.....
just Dawn
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"If you're not too busy making sure a bible story doesn't offend a 4 year old..." That one or the one about Ruby being a write-in candidate b/c she's smarter are probably my favorite lines.
ReplyDeleteJust Michelle
Dawn, this is my 1st time reading your blog - I love it - very well written. I can relate a bit about "The Woods." 16 years ago we looked at a home I really liked in there but Bob wanted a lawn to mow so we settled elsewhere. I haven't kept up with the fraidy cat city counsel people - you go and vote for better people - I will help spread the word. That is just silly to remove the ark - just plain silly! We live in MV and I have to tell you one thing about LF that tugs at my heart strings. I love their July 4th parade. It has such a small town flavor. I watch it on Channel 3 every chance I get! (don't know anyone else who thinks it's cool so I don't go - just watch at home!) I wonder if your scary neighbor is now your Local Peace project. Let me know if you need me to bake a "Bundt" for you to take over there. I can't cook up a storm like you can but I can BAKE - thus... the name!
ReplyDeleteBahahahahaha! Ruby Maestas... so great.
ReplyDeleteFYI Dawn - tonight I am thinking you should feel well protected. As I drove down LF Blvd. tonight around 8:30 I saw more Police Patrol cars than I have ever seen in an entire month in the crime ridden city I work in!
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