Dog Show Re-deux

Let me preface this article by claiming my undying love and devotion for the 137 year old tradition that is the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  Sadly, I know what you're thinking right now.  Dog nerd.  Whenever I giddily announce that I'm as excited as a Jack Russell to watch 6 hours of dog show over a two day period, you snicker at me.  (Meanwhile, you with the smug superiority of someone who has a life, and wouldn't be caught dead wasting it on such frivolity, will happily log 10 thousand hours a year watching baseball, or the Bachelor, or, God forbid, Honey Boo Boo.).   I've said my piece.
With that, I offer my suggestions to the WKC planners and programmers, as well as the fine (if not a bit snooty) organization known as the American Kennell Club, to bring our beloved sport (IT IS TOO A SPORT) into the mainstream.

The Handlers:  Hire Clinton Kelly and Stacey London to make them over.  This is a whole broadcast in itself.  Stacey will have those dumpy dog dowagers whipped into shape in no time!  AND how fun will it be to see her make them throw their sparkly shapeless skirt suits, chunky man flats, and unflattering leg wear in the trash can?!  And the Junior handlers?  Clinton please!  Show the home schoolers a fashion magazine, for the love of Michael Kors!

The Dogs:  They are perfect.  However, I'd like to see all pooches under 5 months old.  That would be SO FUN!  Sure there would be less perfect prancing, but there would be MORE floppy ears, baggy puppy skin, goofy grins, and general puppy mayhem.  The dogs are making life way to easy for the ill-attired handlers.

The Announcer:  Michael La Fave has been the WKC announcer since 2001.  His air of British superiority is practically perfect.  He is like the Alex Trebek of the dog show world....we know you have all of the breed info in front of you, so maybe dial down the arragont tone, Mike.  Since I love that, we shall keep him, but we will ADD....oh I don't know...Flava Flav.  (I'm SURE he's available.)

The Judges:  I don't know how we could ever top the level of pomposity that exists in these dusty blowhards, but I suggest Simon Cowell, Nicki Minaj, JLo, and, well, me.  THINK about it....JLo gives the show a little street cred, (AND looks fab in formalwear) Nicki brings the cray cray to Madison Square Garden, and Simon and I are perfect foils with our rapier wit.  (I TOTALLY imagine him liking all of the little, fluffy, brown eye- booger type dogs.  Right?!)

The Production:  When the dogs enter the ring, they have music.  Like at a boxing match.  Some suggestions.  The Standard Poodle, Diva by Beyonce.  The Afghan?  I'm Sexy and I Know It.  How about The Mastiff?  I say Iron Man by Black Sabbath!  Bloodhound?  Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.  How about the Chinese Crested?  Born This Way by Lady Gaga.  Chihuahua?  Oh this ones easy...La Bamba!  Dalmatian?  Fire by Jimi Hendrix!  Labrador?  Eat It by Wierd Al!  LOL!!! I could do this all day!!!!  Hahaha!  (Leave your suggestions in Comments, please, clever friends.)

I offer these suggestions FREE to you Wstminster Kennel Club contingent on my being a judge for the 2014 show.  You are so welcome.  The dog show world will never be the same....

Just Dawn