Drag Hag

Hello Super-sparkly, Aquanetted, sky high stiletto-tottering Divas!!
It's me, Dawn, Godiva, Dawndiva, Go-Diva back from Rupaul's Drag Con in LosAngeles! Wheeee! My life is more complete. Flowers smell better. The sky is bluer and the birds sing louder after a weekend of candy-colored sky-high wigs, thigh boots galore, and more camp and glam than a small town little Podunk Las Vegas wrestler like me could ever get my starry eyes around! It would be impossible to describe the glory of DragCon in its entirety here in our humble little blog, without photos, so I will throw you a bone Lovies....in no particular order, here are Divey's Drag Con Highlights!! Shantay this way!

1. Learnings: The "Ladies" use both the men's room and the ladies room.
2. Booths: A WHOLE BOOTH JUST SELLING GLITTER. Also, men's underwear with padded butts in them. *cue to me giggling*
3. Sequined capes. SO MANY SEQUINED CAPES.
4. Workshop on "the tuck". (For clarity's sake, I did not attend, but was so happy to know this helpful breakout session was available.)
5. Modern day drag divas have girl parts. SERIOUS girl parts. It is staggering to imagine a commitment to a lifestyle that includes such a drastic, surgical component. There were boobs everywhere, of course, but the amount of ASS IMPLANTS was mind boggling! I was talking to a stunningly gorgeous queen in a super cute and sexy bunny outfit. She probably measured about 40" 20" 38". Barbie perfect. When I complimented her ass, she said "I bought it" which I assumed because boys simply do not have Kardashian-esque assets.  But, wow. Actually, butt wow.
6. Meeting my fav Drag Diva, Sharon Needles. Miss Needles was a star of season 4 of Drag Race. Oh stop what you're doing and Google her now if you're not familiar. Are you back? You're welcome. She is a bit of a goth styled queen, edgy, ballsy (no pun intended), and drop dead gorgeous. The next time you see me, ask me about our encounter. Hollywood and I were poolside at my hotel bar and our hour together with Sharon Needles went from bad to awesome to horrible every 5 minutes. We had a shot of Makers Mark. (That was part of the awesome) most of the rest is too graphic for a PG13 blog. 
7. The GLOW panel. We had an AMAZING group of fans attend and my fellow GLOW wrestlers were remarkably well behaved. Also, we were funny and had a blast. One thing, that I actually knew from years of ministering to my LGBT friends and fans but that kept getting reinforced, was that in our large LGBT following, we really made an impact on some of their lives. I heard tearful story after story about not fitting in, being bullied, feeling like an outcast....and watching GLOW on Saturdays and feeling empowered, and pretty, and happy. One gal attributed our influence to her joining roller derby when she grew up, one young man said that we made it easier to come out to his family. There were lots of stories. Lots of love and memories all around.
8. Photo ops galore. GALORE. If you're not currently following me on Twitter and Instagram, follow me now. Twitter: @dawn_maestas. Instagram: dawnmaestas. And Snapchat: dawnbomb.
9. Drag Queen incarnations of Mama and Eunice aka Carol Burnett and Vicki Lawrence from the television show Mamas Family. The originals were hilarious. The copies were also hilarious. 100% in character, Eunice complaining, Mama disapproving.  For photo, see #8. This was a serious highlight.
10. Wigs upon wigs upon wigs. 

My takeaway from this weekend for those of you not versed in drag culture: Some of the people there were a hot mess. Some were articulate, talented, and sweeter than pie. Some were obnoxious, self centered divas. Some were brilliant actors. Some were gay, some were straight. Some were artists, some were trying hard to be. My point is this....it is quite likely the same  mixed bowl of people in your own world. Only WAY better dressed. Shantay Away.

Summer Primer

With Summer upon us, I'd like to point out a few guidelines. You know how I like to help! Here they are in no particular order.

1. Ladies, get a pedicure. Or give yourself one. I'm ok with that too. Just PLEASE do not subject the public to your crusty heels and hairy toes. I know, I know, they've been in boots for a few months. I get it. 

2. Guys, unless you look like Charlie Hunnam, or are at the beach, please wear a shirt. (Charlie, if you're reading this, please, no shirts for you.) What am I thinking? All men think they look awesome....in all of their hairy, balding, beer gutted glory. Gals, maybe we should take a page from the man body image book and ease up on ourselves a bit. I digress. On the topic of shirts gentlemen, tank tops are for very casual settings...beach, park, motocross event. Otherwise, please don't subject me to your hairy back, armpits, etc. while I am enjoying my endless soup and salad at the Olive Garden.

3. Bicyclists: Those of you in full cycling regalia and those of you who are normal. Also your kids. Please utilize etiquette and courtesy. Pedestrians have the right of way. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE WALKING THEIR DOG AND YOU ZOOM UP WAYTOOCLOSE AND SCARE HER. I confess to fantasizing about clotheslining your arrogant ass and watching you land like Wile E. Coyote. 

4. If you have access to a community pool please make sure your diapered toddler is not leaking. Not all of us think little Brittany is so adorable. Also, I'm all FOR hanging with friends, a few beers and a good time, but I'm AGAINST your loud, foul mouth. Be respectful of those around you who don't want to hear your f-bomb laced diatribe and your ignorant opinions on everything. I'm sure little Brittany's mom would agree.

5. Skateboarders, stay off of the damn sidewalks where people who have jobs and take showers walk. See #3 for possible outcomes.

6. And finally, wear sunscreen. This one is real. Skin cancer is deadly and tans are so New Jersey anyway.

Please share with your friends before a cyclist is injured in a case of Beach Trail Rage. Thanks. Happy Summer (almost!)

Just Dawn

NOT for guys

Bra shopping.

Thanks guys, for tuning in, even though the title was NOT FOR GUYS. But ladies, now that I've said "bra" and "shopping" they're all gone.

First and foremost, I hate when women call their breasts "the girls". I don't know why. It's just....ew. Support me on this. See what I did there?! Haha me.

So, I'm shopping for a strapless bra. Is there anything worse to shop for when you:
1. Are not an A cup.
2. Have natural breasts.
3. Are over 40

Reading reviews, looking at top contenders in the strapless D+ category....ugh.

Found the holy grail of strapless bras for busty girls! It's the top rated! It's a brand I already wear and love! It's pricey...It's $40 a boob. Ugh again.

For a bra I'll wear twice a year? No ladies, you're right. I have to have one. A perfect one. I'm sure this is it. The internet said so.

Tomorrow I'm going unicorn shopping.

Just Dawn

Grammy Meh

Open the show with ACDC!!! F YEAHHHHHH!!!

I love LL Cool J. Same hat doe, bro??

T SWIZZLE!!! 

Sam Smith…nerdy makes good. Yay you, dude.

Jessie J, how can you stand on the stage with Tom Jones in that monstrosity of a dress? UGH. you guys, her boobs look like pancakes. Hate. Fire your stylist.

Pharrell’s shorts are the equivalent of his hat last year. So, yeah. Bow tie, on point.

Did Kanye just get done at fitness 19?

Madonna!!! Living for love….The OG brought it. As only she can. Looked better than the last few times Ive seen her. Love the finger waves, girl.

Wait, what happened to your voice Madge when you went live?

Im a little bored here peeps….

I hope it gets better…..

Bey, your hair never looked better. No one loves you like i do, girl.

Who's the ginger? #wheresdavegrohl #wheresbilliejoe?

ELO. Junior high Dawn is stressing over the dance.

Im in Maroon 5! What’s your name? Not Adam Levine. Oh, that guy.

Gwen is my spirit animal.  Her dress is what id like to be buried in.

Where’s the rock act? I see you, Dave Grohl….

Hozier….(Kenny G hair?) 

I show you my sins and you sharpen your knife….I can relate!

(I could TAG people in this!)

(Katy Perry’s Cover Girl ad was the highlight of the Grammys so far.)

PSA…good, but?

Ok, segway to song….Is that ok?…

But…. I love Katy.

This performance, powerful. beautiful. LOVE the shadow dancers. 

(Where do you freaking apply for that? No, I’m serious.)

Katy. Wow. the white cape dress, wow. You, wow.  

Ok, where is the rock act?

Let’s all agree that Annie Lennox is the coolest white woman ever and I won’t have to shank you in the calf.           

Tony and Gaga.  Color me excited!!

Heaven, I’m in heaven…

Tony B, you still got it man.

LADY Gaga, I love you so much and this is your sweet spot, sista!! 

(Michelle, please suck it, bc Gaga was ON POINT. Don’t fight it.) 

Keith Urbans ponytail is SO LAME. What is he thinking? Did he get tired of being cute and relevant?

Country blah blah country….

Rhi!!  Ok, big all star jam…

Rhianna, Kanye, and…Sir Paul? It’s weird for me, dawg.

*Crowd shot of dude with afro pick in his hair. awesome.*

(Ok, Rick went to bed.)

Were is the rock act? Hell, I’ll take a kick ass DJ. At least last year they ad Avicii and Daft Punk.

Hopefully Juannes is better than all of those Country people. Odelay…

K.

WHERE’S THE ROCK ACT??

Ok, just heard the rest of the line up. Ok, my girl Beyonce, but you guys….Prince…WHERE’S THE ROCK ACT??

Dang. Color me sad, Grammys. Sure I loved Katy and T Swift and Gaga but this year was just meh for me dawg. 

Im going to bed. I will dream about Muse and the Foo Fighters. Imagine Dragons and Arctic Monkeys. I’m sure the Killers are ROCKING THE SHIT out of somewhere right now. But thanks Grammys, for all the Kanye I could stomach and more country than I could bear. 

These opinions are brought to you by Dawn only. But I’m pretty sure Michelle is coming along…

Love and Grammys,

just Dawn