"Holiday Shopping" or "Who Are These People?"

I love on-line shopping. I love mail order catalogues. Since I shop on-line, my name and address has been sold over and over, making me the recipient of a wide variety of catalogues. Come November, there is so much paper in my mailbox, I feel like I should apologize to trees. Sorry trees, I realize that Hickory Farms does not need to market to me. Tell them. I will never eat a "Meat Pop" but I do enjoy looking at the wide variety of cured offerings from HF.

Here are a few of my favorites so far:

~For the foodie on your list: Bacon Salt. Need I say more? Just think popcorn, people.

~Pickle Bandages. (Not made out of pickles.) I just like 'em.

~Sports Logo Snuggie. Me: "John, how about a Raiders Snuggie for Christmas?" John: "OMG!!! Are you #*?!-ing me?? I WANT one!!!" (I think it was a positive reaction.)

~Pet catalogue: Monogrammed orthopedic dog bed-couch for "Large" dogs. Awesome, but at $500 a lttle pricey when Rex will just sneak up on my couch anyway.

~Cashmere socks.

~Sephora Catalogue: Me: "Yes, please." Rick: "Which items, sweetie?" Me: "Yes, please." (He can't ever say I'm hard to shop for.)

~Nieman Marcus Holiday Catalogue: $4,200 Manolo Blahniks.
(Dear NM, We broke up a long time ago. "Broke" being the operative word. Please leave me alone. It just hurts. I'll always love you. Dawn)
Sigh....

With the good comes the bad. Here are some of the items that make the Singing Bass look like a classy, well thought out gift.

~Novelty T-shirt #1. I Married a Nun. Nun in the Morning and Nun at Night. Who wears this?

~Animated Santa. Can't Stop Passing Gas! Here is the catalogue copy: "Rip Von Kringle is tootin' and hootin' his way through the holidays! His legs kick each time he lets one loose!"
Some poor journalism major with $200,000 worth of student loans is questioning the purpose of his existance.

~Book title of the year: "How to Kick Someone's Ass" $12.95
Dang! Now I've wasted 13 years in martial arts classes.

~Novelty T-shirt #2. "I'm not a Gynecologist, but I'll take a look."
If you see someone wearing this, please refer to Book Title of the Year.

~Faeries and Dragons are making a comeback. Good news for the nerds and Emos on your list.

~Skull and Crossbones egg fryer mold. Ok, I like it. Don't judge me.

~Kitty gifts: Kitty Cat plate set, Cat Bottom pencil sharpener (oh just guess!), Cat angel, Plaque that reads: You cannot have too many BOOKS or CATS. Cat-Opoly, all methos of cat-themed jewelry and Cat-lady statuettes.
(Kill me before I get there, please friends.)

~Novelty T-shirt #3. CSI Can't Stand Idiots.
Considering who would wear this t-shirt, does this count as irony?

Oh I could go on and on....Lighted Musical Elvis Tree Topper, Darth Vader Lamp, Mooning Party Shorts (don't ask), Remote Control Fart Machine, "Jeans" Lounge Pants (actual jeans too dressy for some folks?) Nose Shower Gel dispenser, Family Guy shot glasses.

Oh I do love catalogues. They elicit a response....sparkly, glowing. Warm, luxurious, homey. They are full of things we don't need, but we wish someone would buy for us. See: Sephora (did I mention that already?) Victoria's Secret, Ikea, Williams Sonoma.
The flip side of that coin is any catalogue with Simpsons merchandise, bunion cream, or "Collectible" anything. Kitch and clutter make me have anxiety attacks. White trash pride makes me wish I were Hispanic. Or Asian. Or anything not associated with a redneck joke. (No such thing as an Asian redneck.)

I wish you joy in your holiday shopping this year. Whether "Old School" mall shopping, surfing the net, or throwin' elbows on Black Friday, choose well, friends.
Oh! And If I'm on your list, there's always Sephora!

just Dawn

The Funny Continues... (And it's Name is Dawn.)

This isn't breaking news by any means, but Dawn is pretty funny. And clever. Funny and clever. And pretty. Funny, clever, pretty....let's see.....,that's enough for now. The problem is, this isn't news to her either. Which means Dawn clearly doesn't get as impressed with her humor as I do, which is why pretty much on a constant basis, I'm yelling at her, "PUT THAT ON OUR BLOG! No, seriously. Do it, or I'll claim I came up with that funny bit myself. And then I'll be funny AND shrewd."

So that's why today's post is nothing more than a chance for me to draw attention to Dawn's latest show of cleverness....since she most likely won't believe my threat of shanking her unless she puts this on our blog. This is from her Facebook status (One thing of note: Dawn refers to where she lives as The Woods since she has a few more tall trees bearing a wider girth around her house than she previously had.):

Dear Verizon, I offer my own driveway for a cell phone tower. Please contact me (via landline) to let me know when. Residents of The Woods, you're welcome. Signed, Can You Hear Me Now.

And that, my friends, is how you do "witty."

Signed, Yours Shrewdly, Michelle