Lists (The Fun Kind)

My freshman year of college, when we have that bright-eyed look of innocent, excited anticipation and expectation that, yes, of course the world is just going to open its hands and throw a possibility-filled pinata in your face for you to beat down and cause a confetti explosion to rain down adventure, I started a list of "Lifelong Goals." I'm not one of those who makes goals for necessary things like impending work deadlines and such, but I'll make a "goal" any day of the week for things I want to do. You know, something like, "Become an acrobat who does cartwheels on the back of a horse while wearing ballet shoes and a fancy dress." (That was when I was just a kid. I put that dream to rest at least 3 years ago.)

I was just reminded of how fun it was to make that list and to add to it over the years. I highly recommend it. Just write down whatever wonderfully irrational, obscure and over-the-top goals you have! It's liberating. I thought I'd share a few of mine. For inspiration...

• Start playing the violin (Took that up as an adult, and even though a monkey with one arm could play better than me, the idea of following through was worth trying it.)
• Learn American sign language. (Tried to teach myself in high school. I have no one in my sphere of influence who is hearing impaired, and I'm not willing to look crazy by communicating to myself via sign language. So, that goal's been on hiatus.)
• Travel Europe. (Been to 3 countries, going to one more soon, sooo...only about, what, 17 more to go?)
• Visit Greece
• Have a book published. (Came close. If editing, researching and "tweaking" your boss's published book counts. I say it does.)
• Start taking horseback riding lessons again. (Hoping to start that soon. If it won't cause me to give up clean water and shelter in order to afford it.)
• Start dancing again. (Done. The performing part, however....still craving that.)

So, those are a few of my own goals for my life. It's interesting, though: Even though some of these haven't happend or have only been barely started, I'm realizing I've accomplished other "goals" that I never even knew I needed to include in my list. Those are usually the decisions God made for me. Which is why those are the ones that have kind of blown my mind. He does that.

Just Michelle

We're Either a Society of Geniuses,....or Something Less Impressive

How lazy can we possibly be? We, of the 1st world countries. (Gross. I feel so arrogant using that term. But, we don't give it a second thought when we use the term "3rd world country". Is that because we're so used to hearing it? And not used to hearing, "I live in America. You know, that one 1st world country"?) Well, I'll tell you how lazy we can be.

If you just take a moment to think about all the (mostly superfluous) ways we make life easier for ourselves, it's really quite astounding. At times, I don't know whether to be proud of ourselves for coming up with the idea for pre-sliced cookie dough, or ashamed.

To show you what I mean, I went ahead and did the strenuous work of sitting at my desk in yoga pants & googling "lazy Americans." After skipping past pictures of socialites and trust fund babies, I refined my search and was much more successful with my results. Below are some examples of our brilliant ideas.

• Resealable cookie packages...because it takes too much time to put the package in a big ziploc bag or put a chip clip around it.
• That feature in cars that allows you to hit it once, take your finger off the button and watch your window roll all the way down...because, I don't know about you, but the little muscles in my index finger begin to get mighty sore if I make it work too much.
• Retractable pens....because pen caps are about as ridiculous as the idea of still using a quill and ink pot. Come on, society.
• E-cards....because putting paper inside paper, writing letters and numbers that may as well be written in code on the outer paper, and then scouring whole cities trying to find a mailbox or post office has to be the most outdated form of communication EVER! (Side note: The company, Some E-Cards, has the most amazing slogan that I wish beyond all wishes I would've come up with: "E-cards; when you care enough to hit send." That's pure brilliance.)
• Little nail-shaped strips that women put on their nails so that they can have "painted" nails w/out having to have actually painted them....because lounging and being forced to be still while you (or a professional. In a nail place. With your feet in warm water. And with one hand flipping through a magazine while the other hand is being worked on.) struggle to stay in the lines, is just asking too much.
• Any of the handy "reading tools" that have (THANKFULLY! And not a moment too soon!) taken the place of those bulky, unnecessary books...because, I swear, I was getting pretty tired of holding those things open and then having to remember to turn the page EACH TIME I wanted to find out more. That's just silly.
• Those womens' razors with the shaving cream built right in. Those commercials have it exactly right: We should not have to put up with slippery bars of soap flying all over the place, or go to the trouble of squirting shaving cream into our hands, THEN putting it on our legs, THEN closing the cap on the shaving cream can, THEN.... I rest my case.

So, it's not an exhaustive list by any means, but it's a start. ("Exhaustive." That makes me think someone should come up with a way for the thoughts in our brains to transfer to the tips of our fingers so that we only have to place our fingertips on the keyboard and the computer's brain then transfers our thoughts to the screen. Jeez. I don't even want to type anything after coming up with that ingenious idea. People - we are so above typing.)

Have any examples of lazy-slash-brilliant ways we've made life easier for ourselves? We're open for comments.... (Wait. That means you'd have to sign up to become a "follower" of our blog in order to post a comment, doesn't it. Forget it. I can't believe I asked that of you. GOSH! Why can't stuff be easier?! Right?!)

Just Michelle

Playing Hard to Get

Dear Valued Readers,

We realize it's high time we showed you that we do actually value your readership, and the fact that you're such loyal readers (right?) means you deserve to be entertained. Which is our job. Meaning, this delay in bringing the people what they demand (another post from one of us) is shameful. We're sorry. (Right, Dawn? Dawn agrees.)

So, you won't have to worry your pretty (or, gender neutral-attractive) heads very much longer. A post should be going up tonight. (Thanks, Dawn. Looking forward to it. Oh, laugh, laugh, laugh! Kidding. Sigh. I'll do it.)

Thanks for your (assumed) patience, everyone. I'll be back with you soon....

Just Michelle

Shoulder Pads Make me Feel Like a Big Girl

I never had a "thing" for stuffed animals like other kids. Dawn and I have had the "stuffed animals versus Barbie" conversation a few times - Dawn being a fan of the animals (no surprise there), and me staying loyal to my little plastic fashion icon. And I'm proud to say it's never escalated to an all out brawl (verbal or otherwise), but during one of our conversations, I did discover something: I figured out exactly WHY I couldn't get enough of Barbie, and why I never cared about anything in the category of plush. (Who else hates that word? Using "plush" makes me feel like I should be wearing Mom Jeans at a Beanie Baby collectors' convention.)

It all makes sense to me now. As a kid, I obsessed over being older. Looking older, acting older, being treated older than my actual age, dressing older....etc. Growing up and being the "baby" of the family (and being oddly mature for my age. No, really; I was a weird kid in comparison. Ask me how old I was when I had most Neil Diamond songs memorized.), I got the cheek-pinching, "you're so cute that I'm compelled to talk down at you" routine on a pretty constant basis. My reactions, consequently, led to the assumption that I was the shy one of the family when in reality, I wasn't shy - I was actually scowling at the offender and internally resenting her while crafting a scathing comeback. As a 5 year old, people.

(Hang in there - the connection to Barbie is coming up.)

So, it stands to reason that I WOULD love a doll that wore heels every day (even while performing surgery as Medical Barbie. What a woman!), drank coffee, traveled to Hawaii on a whim, drove a fancy car (drove, in general), had a boyfriend, and carried a pink briefcase until the work day morphed into nightlife and she busted out the Donna Summers-inspired sequins. Sigh.

That infatuation with Barbie either started or perpetuated my Fantasy Adult Life. Enter, mom's high heels. I'd stuff those pumps so thick with toilet paper to MAKE them fit, that my feet ended up feeling like I was the victim of traditional Chinese foot binding. But the sound those heels made on the tile floor was magical.

Next up on my premature and forced journey to adulthood, was watching Moonlighting much earlier than any child should watch (and misunderstand) the subtle flirtations of two attractive, single New Yorkers, hinting at the wild chemistry that would eventually show itself amidst the witty banter. Ditto for Diane Keaton's turn in Baby Boom. (I know. I can't figure out how I ended up watching this stuff, either. You'd think my parents put out a big bowl of food for us kids and left us for days on end with t.v. and marshmallows to keep us company.) I've seen that movie more times than makes sense, and watching Diane Keaton's character set me up for the lifestyle I planned on having when I grew up: The lifestyle that would have me walking to my corporate job in a powersuit and pumps, typing away at my computer with my long acrylic nails, and then meeting Bruce Willis for drinks in his penthouse. Totally reasonable.

So, there it is - the answer to the question, "Why no stuffed animals, Michelle?" Because stuffed animals don't go on dates or have elevators in their houses or wear leg warmers (on any occasion) or play the synthesizer in a band named after them. That's why.

Also, Barbie has great hair.

just michelle

I'm mad at my Mail.

I got home and noticed that no one had gotten the mail yet today. One of life's small pleasures to me is picking up my (snail) mail. Most of my bills are paid on-line, so there's no danger of getting one of those, and I love catalogues, as a rule, and there's always the slim chance of an invitation, announcement or a sweet card (the latter of which is usually from my mom.) So generally speaking, I do like to pick up the mail.

Today, my mail was rude to me. How dare my mail make assumptions about me? Frankly, Mail, I am a little insulted by your insinuations. I know, I know....I've neglected you a bit. When was the last time I mailed a letter? Sent a card? I know you hate my "paperless" lifestyle, but you have gone too far.

Today, in the mail, addressed to me, not "Occupant" was a mailer for a foot and ankle clinic. (Someone is assuming I have some sort of nasty bunion or corn issue. Which I assure you I do NOT. My feet are lovely and youthful.) The next piece of mail, I'm sure much to Rick's delight, was his AARP card. How DARE you, Mail? My husband is a ROCK. STAR. AARP cards are for old people. You must have the wrong guy, Mail. My sole catalog today was from L.L. Bean Woman. Seriously, Mail....Have you MET me?
What happened to my Rolling Stone magazine? My Cosmopolitan? Maybe I still need to know "10 New Ways to Please My Man". So what if I haven't known who the slutty actress is on the cover of Cosmo for the past 8 years?

While we are on topic, people do NOT send me emails for old people. I won't get it, and if I do, I will not admit to getting it. I will roll my eyes like a teenager. Absolutely NO "Maxine" cartoons. No, I have not seen "Menopause, the Musical" nor will I. I cannot relate to your hot flashes or your colonoscopys. (Yet.) Do NOT ask me if I remember some actress from some movie from the 50s or 60s. I don't. I remember Tawny Kittean from Bachelor Party and Phoebe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Dylan Thomas said it best: "Do not go gentle into that good night.
Old age should burn and rave at the close of the day.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Good job Dylan. I choose to burn and rave. Take that, Mail.

just Dawn

Stuff

Today's post is just full of unrelated stuff I've (Michelle) either observed lately or have some opinion about or just can't fit into a Facebook status update. Let's get started...

Please. Let's be Less Stupid, People.
Besides being irritatingly cheesy 90% of the time, license plate holders have the uncanny ability to make car owners think that there's no better way to get their agenda or some message across than to slap it on a piece of plastic and put it on the back of your car so that the driver behind you, who's most likely already in a bad mood because he couldn't figure out your indecipherable personalized license plate, can learn your life's mission statement. Or, that you'd "rather be fly fishing." For example, I was behind a mini van the other day with a license plate holder that said, "Eternity: Smoking or Non Smoking." Yep - clever, kitschy sayings are definitely the thing that would convince me to give my life to Jesus if I didn't already know Him. People. Please. NOT HELPING!

On a less cynical note....

Today I got fun catalogues, a sweet note from someone I love, 2 new books, and not a single bill. That's a good day for mail.

So, I have to let everyone know something truly amazing Dawn said recently. Let me set the scene first, though: Dawn was helping a staff member learn how to use a system we have at work that allows you to narrow down your search for a very specific person if you're looking for someone to help w/ a project or event, or volunteer for a ministry. For example, if you're looking for someone to help pack backpacks for kids in foster care, you'd search for someone with a passion for hurting children, someone who doesn't mind routine tasks, etc. So, to explain the system, Dawn, in serious work mode, tells the staff member, "For instance, say you're looking for a one handed Lebanese airline pilot...." That's the first thing she thought of. A one handed Lebanese airline pilot. I don't think she even realized how incredible that was because stuff like that just comes out of her mouth all the time. And I'm pretty sure it's involuntary. She didn't even pause until she heard me burst out laughing from my desk.

Oh. Also? I'm considering changing banks since I saw a Chase Bank commercial in which they use that one (only one?) awful Sugar Ray song in the background. Chase, if you're going to violate my musical tastes in that way, you better make up for it somehow.

I'm sure I've observed many more things lately, but I'm getting tired and I have a couple of new books to start reading....

Just Michelle

Edumacated!

While I consider myself to be fairly well-read and educated, sufficiently versed in the arts (for someone who grew up in Las Vegas), and culturally aware, it has come to my attention as a grown-up that there are some things that I know absolutely nothing about. I don't mean thermodynamics, or how to split an atom, I'm talking about regular things grown-ups should know.

#1. The Stock Market. I do not have the first clue about the NYSE. I don't know how to read the stocks page in the paper, and my eyes glaze over when someone is talking about someone named Nasdaq. (I don't know who he is.)

#2. I have never driven a motorcycle.

#3. Music. This one is most frustrating, because I enjoy music. I have strong opinions about music. I like everything from the offensive to the sublime. I listen to Classical, Jazz, Metal, Pop, Rock, Smooth Rock, Classic Rock, Alternative Rock. I listen to Bluegrass, Zydeco, Opera, and Blues. Old School Rap, Classic R & B, New Wave, and Disco. I do not know the first thing about how to make music, record it, mix it, or amplify it. I have never had the obligatory piano lessons. Heck, I've never been able to get a real sound out of a harmonica. (Note: I do hate harmonicas. Sorry Blues Traveler fans.) Obviously, I can't read the little ants on lines that is sheet music. The mixing board is so utterly confusing to me that it might as well be an atom-splitting device.

#4. Bodies of Water. Ok, really this is just a Jeopardy catagory that I suck at.

#5. Electronics. Ok, I'm not a total Troglodyte. I can manage to get the television on occasionally and I can do the basics on my computer. I have an iPod and a camera. I can text as fast as a 14 year old girl and I can also manage to Photoshop my forehead wrinkles out. I have some skills. Here's where I'm lost. I do not know what a Blue Ray is. I don't know why I need one. Tell me again why I want to watch crappy TV shows on my computer, Hulu? Plasma? Sorry, don't know. High Def? Don't know/care. Mac vs. PC? Color me "logged out" of this debate. I have had 8-Track, Cassette, Record, CD, and digital formats. I'm done people. If I have to replace my Judas Priest collection for one more format I'm going to shank someone in the Electronics Industry.

I have laid bare my ignorance for all to see in cyberspace. Please just don't ask me about cyberspace!

I is smart.
just Dawn