Up to this point, I've (Michelle) refrained from writing a post focused on my status as "single." Or, to be more specific (and damning), "Single Christian female." Even though there is a storehouse of sad comedy I could write about regarding singleness & dating while surrounded by non-singles (I work at a church. Enough said.), I prefer to be jaded and cynical in person and with the added benefit of an audible and hyper-sarcastic intonation.
But, I read something today from one of my favorite bloggers (and funny people), Jon Acuff. It's a post from his blog, Stuff Christians Like. For those of you not fortunate enough to have heard of him or read his blog, first, I'm sorry for you. Second, allow me to introduce you! He writes about all those Christian cliches and things the Church is known for...in a funny & clever way that emphasizes his love for the Church and people who try to love and follow Jesus, but sometimes we don't....quite...get it right. In other words, sometimes it's just healthy to laugh at ourselves. Do with that what you will.
Anyway, I'm including the link to his post because it's well worth a read. Plus, he says it a lot funnier than I can. http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2009/06/550-surviving-church-as-a-single/
I have to say that while reading his post, I was laughing so much that I had what I thought were tears of laughter in the corners of my eyes. Then, I realized that I had experienced (on more than one occasion) about 39 of the 40 "single moments" on his list. Which then led me to realize that, no, Michelle, you aren't laughing so hard that you're crying. I'm pretty sure you're just crying.
I'm hoping that Jon Acuff's post goes viral so that it can be used as an informational tool in order to help people filter through the sieve in their brains the things they're tempted to say to singles. Sure, I can acknowledge that most of it is with lovely and good intentions, and I realize there's no clear cut answer as to how to handle us delicate little singles, but since my momma raised me right and I know better than to do one of those bourgeois slaps to the face with my white glove, I thought I'd take to the page, so to speak.
So, with the help of Jon Acuff's list of "How to Survive Church as a Single", I'm able to kill two birds (and they're probably a couple of damn turtledoves) with one stone, by passing on some good tips, while doing a little juvenile venting. For my own sake. Thank you very much.
And now, next on my to-do list, I'm going to go "stop looking for love" because "that's when I'll find it." Then, I think I'll buy a lottery ticket because with that logic, I'm SURE to win some cold hard cash! I always come into the most money when I refuse to do anything to actually attain it.
Just Michelle
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Ah, Lake Forest....My Hometown
Dear Mission Viejo,
I miss you so much. I long for your bright, clean neighborhoods, your pretty, open parks, your flowers. And though we are but one city away, Lake Forest does not compare to you. I'll be back one day, Mission Viejo, unless of course, Lake Forest sucks the life out of me first.
Top Ten Reasons I Hate Lake Forest
10. It's dark. Ok, so I live in a "charming" neighborhood called The Woods. It should be called, All of the Grimm Brothers Fairy Tales Were Written Here. Emphasis on the Grimm.
9. Speaking of Grimm Brothers, my next door neighbor is reminiscent of the Troll from the 3 Billy Goats Gruff story...."Who's that trip trapping on my bridge??!!" (I'm not being extra cruel here, people, she is really mean.)
8. All of my houseplants died, I miss my pretty white rose bushes, and the only things I can put in my yard are ferns. I have grown to love them, but I miss flowers. (Ok, so this is really just an expansion of reason #10.)
7. Every eatery is a "family friendly" yukky chain restaurant.
6. The gigantic eucalyptus trees in my neighborhood are parasitic and have a nasty habit of falling down and crushing roofs and cars. Also, the maintainance on said trees includes regular tree cutting and wood chipping. "Huh? I didn't hear you...my ears were bleeding, and my head was insane from listening to wood chipping machines from dawn till dusk!"
5. Our idiotic City Council has made the news of late for removing a playing apparatus from a local park that had scenes from Noah's Ark on it. They were concerned that some residents would find it "offensive." I'm offended. I will be voting against every one of you in the next election. I will enter "Ruby Maestas" as a write-in candidate over you. She is smarter.
4. Leaf blowers abound. (re: #6.) For the love of all that is holy, can we not invent one that doesn't sound like a freaking 747? and Hey!...City Council! If you're not too busy making sure a bible story doesn't offend a 4 year old, how about a noise ordinance that makes it illegal to fire those noisy bitches up before, oh I don't know, how about 8:00am?!
3. The median age of my neighbors is 87.
2. I have to drive to Mission Viejo to take R and R to the park. The closest park to my house has a big duck pond and is beyond grossly covered in duck and goose crap.
1. El Toro Road and the 5.
Some of you will think I'm being too harsh on Lake Forest. Only I wouldn't be able to hear your reasons because of the busy leaf blowers.....
just Dawn
I miss you so much. I long for your bright, clean neighborhoods, your pretty, open parks, your flowers. And though we are but one city away, Lake Forest does not compare to you. I'll be back one day, Mission Viejo, unless of course, Lake Forest sucks the life out of me first.
Top Ten Reasons I Hate Lake Forest
10. It's dark. Ok, so I live in a "charming" neighborhood called The Woods. It should be called, All of the Grimm Brothers Fairy Tales Were Written Here. Emphasis on the Grimm.
9. Speaking of Grimm Brothers, my next door neighbor is reminiscent of the Troll from the 3 Billy Goats Gruff story...."Who's that trip trapping on my bridge??!!" (I'm not being extra cruel here, people, she is really mean.)
8. All of my houseplants died, I miss my pretty white rose bushes, and the only things I can put in my yard are ferns. I have grown to love them, but I miss flowers. (Ok, so this is really just an expansion of reason #10.)
7. Every eatery is a "family friendly" yukky chain restaurant.
6. The gigantic eucalyptus trees in my neighborhood are parasitic and have a nasty habit of falling down and crushing roofs and cars. Also, the maintainance on said trees includes regular tree cutting and wood chipping. "Huh? I didn't hear you...my ears were bleeding, and my head was insane from listening to wood chipping machines from dawn till dusk!"
5. Our idiotic City Council has made the news of late for removing a playing apparatus from a local park that had scenes from Noah's Ark on it. They were concerned that some residents would find it "offensive." I'm offended. I will be voting against every one of you in the next election. I will enter "Ruby Maestas" as a write-in candidate over you. She is smarter.
4. Leaf blowers abound. (re: #6.) For the love of all that is holy, can we not invent one that doesn't sound like a freaking 747? and Hey!...City Council! If you're not too busy making sure a bible story doesn't offend a 4 year old, how about a noise ordinance that makes it illegal to fire those noisy bitches up before, oh I don't know, how about 8:00am?!
3. The median age of my neighbors is 87.
2. I have to drive to Mission Viejo to take R and R to the park. The closest park to my house has a big duck pond and is beyond grossly covered in duck and goose crap.
1. El Toro Road and the 5.
Some of you will think I'm being too harsh on Lake Forest. Only I wouldn't be able to hear your reasons because of the busy leaf blowers.....
just Dawn
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Inquiring Minds Want to Know..Wrestling Fans
I have purposely avoided talking here about my former career as a professional GLOW wrestler. Mostly just because until recently (the advent of social media) I honestly didn't think about it very much. It was merely a closed chapter in my fascinating life. Also, I don't know anything about wrestling. No, really I don't. I don't know any of the "greats" of the wrestling world, which makes for interesting conversations with my awesome fans. Yep, I have fans. Irony?
I'm going to support some of the stereotypes about wrestling fans here. I'm not gonna lie, they are, largely, an...um....interesting breed. However, stereotypes are never 100% accurate, and due to technology, I have some educated, funny, godly, smart, creative, new friends who just happen to be rabid wrestling fans.
Let's start with the stereotypes. Rednecks? Some. Uneducated meat-heads? Sure. 'Roided-out wannabe jabronis? (a wrestler with no schtick, no costume, and a lame name like "John Evans" going up against a real wrestler like Hulk Hogan or The Rock or Godiva. A jabroni may get in a couple of good moves, or even get in a "near pin" situation, but will ultimately lose. Courtesy of Urban Dictionary.) YES! They are the most interesting.
Top 10 things you'll never hear a wrestling fan say:
10. I can't decide between Stanford and MIT.
9. I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex.
8. Wrestling's fake.
7. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
6. Hey, here's a Wrestlemania PPV that I haven't seen!
5. Honey, do you think my gut's too big?
4. I don't have any priors.
3. Nice nose on the Pinot.
2. Picasso really changed modern art, but I feel like Van Gogh was the genius of our lifetime.
1. Checkmate.
Ok, Fans I apologize. That was almost too easy. My favorite fans: Sweet, uber-flattering fan-boy who actually has become a friend. I want to meet him. College student who adores all things GLOW and is the MOST encouraging, sweetest fan ever. Show biz fan who is smart, clever, and funny...should have his own talk show, also reads this blog! BFFs "Sex in the City girls for the new millenium" who are creative, live in NY, fun, funny, and I wish I could hang out with them. (They were little girls when Godiva had huge, glittery hair and an attitude. Ahhh...my protegees!) My numerous friends who have amazing, intelligent questions about their spirituality and faith...I love you guys. Keep 'em coming...you challenge and inspire me. You guys who work hard to support your families, I respect you. My friend with dual initials who has the same (mostly, except for Mariah, gag) taste in music as me. I heart our conversations. Seriously, I love you guys. I kid, I love.
Hey, I KNOW....this has been a learning for me too.
Wrestling fans. Good topic. But when they are real people in your life, or cyber-life, it changes the conversation. At this point in my life, they are more than screaming, cursing (I was a bad- girl wrestler), autograph seeking, uni-entity. They are people, individuals, who grew up with me, or the Godiva facimile of me, in their living rooms. No, Godiva's not me, but as my husband pointed out tonight, she's me more than a little.
Wrestling fans, I love you, I love you not. You know who you are.
just Dawn
I'm going to support some of the stereotypes about wrestling fans here. I'm not gonna lie, they are, largely, an...um....interesting breed. However, stereotypes are never 100% accurate, and due to technology, I have some educated, funny, godly, smart, creative, new friends who just happen to be rabid wrestling fans.
Let's start with the stereotypes. Rednecks? Some. Uneducated meat-heads? Sure. 'Roided-out wannabe jabronis? (a wrestler with no schtick, no costume, and a lame name like "John Evans" going up against a real wrestler like Hulk Hogan or The Rock or Godiva. A jabroni may get in a couple of good moves, or even get in a "near pin" situation, but will ultimately lose. Courtesy of Urban Dictionary.) YES! They are the most interesting.
Top 10 things you'll never hear a wrestling fan say:
10. I can't decide between Stanford and MIT.
9. I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex.
8. Wrestling's fake.
7. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
6. Hey, here's a Wrestlemania PPV that I haven't seen!
5. Honey, do you think my gut's too big?
4. I don't have any priors.
3. Nice nose on the Pinot.
2. Picasso really changed modern art, but I feel like Van Gogh was the genius of our lifetime.
1. Checkmate.
Ok, Fans I apologize. That was almost too easy. My favorite fans: Sweet, uber-flattering fan-boy who actually has become a friend. I want to meet him. College student who adores all things GLOW and is the MOST encouraging, sweetest fan ever. Show biz fan who is smart, clever, and funny...should have his own talk show, also reads this blog! BFFs "Sex in the City girls for the new millenium" who are creative, live in NY, fun, funny, and I wish I could hang out with them. (They were little girls when Godiva had huge, glittery hair and an attitude. Ahhh...my protegees!) My numerous friends who have amazing, intelligent questions about their spirituality and faith...I love you guys. Keep 'em coming...you challenge and inspire me. You guys who work hard to support your families, I respect you. My friend with dual initials who has the same (mostly, except for Mariah, gag) taste in music as me. I heart our conversations. Seriously, I love you guys. I kid, I love.
Hey, I KNOW....this has been a learning for me too.
Wrestling fans. Good topic. But when they are real people in your life, or cyber-life, it changes the conversation. At this point in my life, they are more than screaming, cursing (I was a bad- girl wrestler), autograph seeking, uni-entity. They are people, individuals, who grew up with me, or the Godiva facimile of me, in their living rooms. No, Godiva's not me, but as my husband pointed out tonight, she's me more than a little.
Wrestling fans, I love you, I love you not. You know who you are.
just Dawn
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010, It's Been Nice Knowin' Ya
I had trouble deciding what to name this post. I considered, "2010, The Year That Totally Sucked". Too negative. It couldn't have TOTALLY sucked. I just don't look at life like that. How about, "What The Hell did I do To Deserve December, 2010?" No, too martyr-like. How about, "2010, Great Stuff, and Shity Stuff." No, too crude. So I settled on vague and insincere. You know, like when you write in someone's yearbook, "Have a nice Summer" or "Good luck in the future."
So here are the top 10 reasons why 2010 is invited to not let the door hit him in the ass on the way out:
10. It's been monsooning to the point of depression. I'm sure the suicide rate in the rainy states is huge. I get it.
9. BP oil spill. So bad on so many levels. Pollution, animal illness and death, lawsuits, "I-told-you-so attitude from tree hugging left.
8. The world lost J.D. Sallinger, Ronnie James Dio, and the dad from Happy Days. I lost my beautiful friend, Mavis Delgado, and my innocent nephew Caelan Rice. The world is less beautiful without them in it. I'm sure family and friends of J.D., Ronnie, and Tom would agree with me.
7. Economy, economy, economy.
6. Kei$ha, Justin Bieber, Real Housewives of Anywhere, and Cee Lo Green, whose Grammy nominated song F*** You is certainly a new low in popular music. (Yes, Misch and haters, Lady Gaga is intentionally omitted here, due to the fact that she's brilliant.)
5. Larry King retired. HAHAHA! Just kidding! Larry King's ratings have tanked worse than Barak Obama's approval rating. No one cares if you "retire" Larry. Except for possibly your latest gold digging spouse who could not possibly be happy with the prospect of more "quality time" with your old ass.
4. Unemployment, poverty, homelessness in places where we haven't seen it before. There but for the grace of God, go I.
3. California Election 2010: Same old same old. It's embarassing to be a voter in this state. Sigh.
2. Still with us: Rev. Jesse Jackson, Michael Vick, Charles Manson (Probation? REALLY, Charles?), Kanye, Lindsey Lohan, Osama Bin Laden, my mean next door neighbor, Axl Rose (Sweetie, what HAPPENED to you? See also: Brett Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Keith Richards.)
1. The rise of those Jersey Shore morons. Please, people, please stop making these white trash goombahs rich.
With this list of suck, I present to you the Top 10 Cool Things About 2010:
10. AIDS/HIV rates in the hardest hit countries are dropping. Sex Trafficking awareness in this country is rising. Environment is repairing itself from the damage of aforementioned spill.
9. Many awesome friends welcomed their first children to the world: Love=Annalise, Shepard, Cash, Karis, Boston. All things made new....
8. My son graduated from High School. Milestone.
7. I adore my job, my pastor, the people I work with, the people I work for. Worth more than money!
6. The Black Keys, Green Day (still TOTALLY relevant), Kings of Leon, Free Energy, and the Judas Priest Reunion Tour.
5. I have heard God's voice, loud and clear, and so did 5 other people in the room with me. Two words: Sierra Leone. (If you don't know this story, ask me. It's amazing.)
4. With great economic hardship comes great opportunity for love and generosity. 2010 has been a year of inspirational stories.
3. Rex and Ruby's goofy antics.
2. Still with us: Paul McCartney (Beatles on iTunes! Woo!), Betty White, Steven Tyler (ok, I know, the American Idol thing...it's sure to be bad, but I LOVE him!), Slash, Bon Jovi, Mickey Rourke, Sesame Street, and pro wrestling! (HAD to!)
1. It's over. The decade has closed with health, love, friends, my awesome husband, growing up boys/young men, and God's mercies...new and revived each day. Welcome 2011. We will get along just fine.
At the risk of ending on a negative, Yeah, you BETTER leave 2010....I will shank you.
Battered, but not broken,
just Dawn
So here are the top 10 reasons why 2010 is invited to not let the door hit him in the ass on the way out:
10. It's been monsooning to the point of depression. I'm sure the suicide rate in the rainy states is huge. I get it.
9. BP oil spill. So bad on so many levels. Pollution, animal illness and death, lawsuits, "I-told-you-so attitude from tree hugging left.
8. The world lost J.D. Sallinger, Ronnie James Dio, and the dad from Happy Days. I lost my beautiful friend, Mavis Delgado, and my innocent nephew Caelan Rice. The world is less beautiful without them in it. I'm sure family and friends of J.D., Ronnie, and Tom would agree with me.
7. Economy, economy, economy.
6. Kei$ha, Justin Bieber, Real Housewives of Anywhere, and Cee Lo Green, whose Grammy nominated song F*** You is certainly a new low in popular music. (Yes, Misch and haters, Lady Gaga is intentionally omitted here, due to the fact that she's brilliant.)
5. Larry King retired. HAHAHA! Just kidding! Larry King's ratings have tanked worse than Barak Obama's approval rating. No one cares if you "retire" Larry. Except for possibly your latest gold digging spouse who could not possibly be happy with the prospect of more "quality time" with your old ass.
4. Unemployment, poverty, homelessness in places where we haven't seen it before. There but for the grace of God, go I.
3. California Election 2010: Same old same old. It's embarassing to be a voter in this state. Sigh.
2. Still with us: Rev. Jesse Jackson, Michael Vick, Charles Manson (Probation? REALLY, Charles?), Kanye, Lindsey Lohan, Osama Bin Laden, my mean next door neighbor, Axl Rose (Sweetie, what HAPPENED to you? See also: Brett Michaels, Ozzy Osbourne, Keith Richards.)
1. The rise of those Jersey Shore morons. Please, people, please stop making these white trash goombahs rich.
With this list of suck, I present to you the Top 10 Cool Things About 2010:
10. AIDS/HIV rates in the hardest hit countries are dropping. Sex Trafficking awareness in this country is rising. Environment is repairing itself from the damage of aforementioned spill.
9. Many awesome friends welcomed their first children to the world: Love=Annalise, Shepard, Cash, Karis, Boston. All things made new....
8. My son graduated from High School. Milestone.
7. I adore my job, my pastor, the people I work with, the people I work for. Worth more than money!
6. The Black Keys, Green Day (still TOTALLY relevant), Kings of Leon, Free Energy, and the Judas Priest Reunion Tour.
5. I have heard God's voice, loud and clear, and so did 5 other people in the room with me. Two words: Sierra Leone. (If you don't know this story, ask me. It's amazing.)
4. With great economic hardship comes great opportunity for love and generosity. 2010 has been a year of inspirational stories.
3. Rex and Ruby's goofy antics.
2. Still with us: Paul McCartney (Beatles on iTunes! Woo!), Betty White, Steven Tyler (ok, I know, the American Idol thing...it's sure to be bad, but I LOVE him!), Slash, Bon Jovi, Mickey Rourke, Sesame Street, and pro wrestling! (HAD to!)
1. It's over. The decade has closed with health, love, friends, my awesome husband, growing up boys/young men, and God's mercies...new and revived each day. Welcome 2011. We will get along just fine.
At the risk of ending on a negative, Yeah, you BETTER leave 2010....I will shank you.
Battered, but not broken,
just Dawn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
