Hot Temperatures Bring out the Pathetic in Me

This isn't news to anyone living in California right now, but....it's hot. Really, really  hot. Like, southern style, chafe-inducing, happiness-killing, excuse-to-go-a-little-certifiably-crazy hot. I know there are people in other places dealing with much worse, record breaking heat; the kind that kills crops and the  elderly in the same way. But, the heat that has plagued us the past couple of weeks or so has been hard to ignore.

My apartment in particular has been a bit of death trap. I've tried calling it a sauna and convincing myself that my pores are being cleansed each time I step inside my little heat box, but there aren't enough sweaty, partially clothed strangers in here to make it look like a true sauna.

I have learned one thing because of the heat, though, and that is: I am not yet a Californian (despite paying our above the national average gas prices [oh, look! We're beating the rest of the nation at something! Good job, California.] like the rest of you suckers. No. I realized that not having a sun shade for my car's windshield makes me a little late to the "common sense" party. (Those are typically not fun, but you do come away with some great life tips.)

You'd think searing the backs of my thighs on black leather seats, while branding the steering wheel seams into  my palms would have gotten me right on that little errand. Hasn't happened yet. I must enjoy the challenge of maneuvering in my car so that I'm hovering over the seat while trying to steer the  car with mind power until the air conditioning cools everything off. And fortunately, my car has excellent air conditioning. Which is much more than I can say for my apartment's air conditioning....

My air conditioner is basically an additional fan. It works great if your face is so close to the vent that you can see the freon in there. That leaves my and my roommate's rooms to fend for themselves. And mine's definitely given up. If you closed your eyes and thought really happy thoughts upon entering my room, you might think you were on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyland during the part where you're supposed to be in hell. Which, by the way....how is that appropriate for a kids' ride? I feel like somebody didn't think that one through.

So, since my room  is clearly not trying to help me out, and since the fan in my room is mediocre at best, I've had to get creative and come up with alternate ways to keep cool at night. Here are a few:

1. I tried putting a frozen bag of peas on my neck (that's supposedly one of the spots that cools you down the quickest), and promptly thawed them. (Tomorrow's dinner now has its side dish.)

2. I tried putting a wet washcloth behind my neck, but that didn't work. Nothing more to say about that. It just doesn't work. Save yourself the hassle.

3. I've taken cold showers in the hopes that I'll shock myself into leaping out of the shower and away from the frigid temperature, but I just end up feeling like I'm in an upright swimming pool with nice, relaxing tepid water, which makes me want to stay right where I am.

4. And, in what may be my most pathetic attempt, I lost it in the middle of the night and grabbed an ice pack (most often used for keeping things cool on the go) from the freezer, and, yes......slept with it. Now, before you judge, just come over to my apartment and soak in the heat until your head feels all hot and melty on the inside. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I tried to keep the thing on my neck, but that required holding it there, which required doing a job while I slept. So, I just put it on my sheets and then laid in the spot where it was. (Such shame, such pity.)

I'm hoping this heat ends nice and soon because I'm running out of ideas. And those ice packs are not soft.