Halloween Humbug

You guys, usually I ADORE Halloween! I love spooky, sparkly, costumey, candy, and FUN-ness.  Call me Hallow-eh. This year I am disappointed and I'm sure you're dying to know why:

I get no trick or treaters on my street. You'd have to be an Olympic athlete to want to hike the 45 degree incline that is Presidio. Dumbest street ever. No kids even play out there. Wait....maybe that's an upside.... DEF, but not on Halloween. I will sit here with my sad small bag of Snickers JUSTINCASE. No one will come. I hate Snickers.

My son is grown up. Parents of cute little goblins and clowns and superheroes, enjoy this. It's so great. I know I profess to be a great kid hater, but I wasn't some kind of Stepford mom, jeez. Little Johnny and I had fun back in the day. Little J's costumes circa birth to 7yo: Elvis. Yep. Full on white satin jumpsuit, gold cape, and a belt that looked like he had to pin someone for it. No, it's not child abuse, it's just AWESOME. Skunk, scarecrow, devil, Indiana Jones, little clown. All lovingly crafted by his grandma. It was SO GREAT before he turned into a little boy who wanted to be bloody and creepy and have gruesome masks, fake blood, and scythes. Well, that was fun too, really.....

Sluts are Us. YOU GUYS!! WHY is every female costume "sexy"? Why can't we choose from cops or firefighters, or nurses or even DISNEY PRINCESSES without it being a skinfest??? I'm not prude ladies, but I have seen sexy costumes for little girls! Color me outraged!! It's bad enough that as adults we parade our sexuality like its a commodity...and a cheap one at that. But to hand that down to our little girls is disgraceful. Ok, off my soapbox. Just please, please, ladies, creativity over sexuality. And if your baby is a "sexy" mermaid, I might kick you in the neck. Ugh. PS...note to guys, please stop living out your cross dressing fantasies on Halloween. You're not fooling anyone.

Miley costumes...oh I just can't even. Everyone, just let Miley's foolishness die a quiet death. PS. I secretly love Wrecking Ball. The song, not the video.  www.nofoamfinger.org

So this year I dub myself Halloween Grinch. Bah Boo-bug! Maybe I'll just go watch Jack Skellington and call it a night....

Just Dawn

My Legs are Bored

Yesterday was the first official day of Fall. I had a friend's baby shower to go to, and I was utterly baffled by how I should dress based on the heat and the bright sun looking for attention like some prepubescent boy making fart noises to remind us all that he's still around.

Do I wear something bright and colorful and milk that coral color for all it's worth? Or, do I abide by the calendar (and my enjoyment of Fall clothes) and go for something in dark tones and thick materials? *Sigh*. Life.

I'll tell you what I really wanted to wear: TIGHTS!

Tights. Those wonderful, happy accessories for your legs that come out every Fall and continue to keep our boots and skirts company until Winter is over.

Oh, the choices! Ribbed, patterned, layered, colored.... Not to mention the benefit of letting your razor hibernate until Spring. (Resulting in legs that could be mistaken for those other things that really should be hibernating.)

My legs have been bored. I can tell. They've been glancing at the part of my closet where my tights are stored, silently longing for the only fun they get to have. (Because I'm not the anklet type. And I would hope that wouldn't surprise anyone.) They can't wait to sport my purple houndstooth tights, or the mustard yellow tights that my legs told me I should buy. Immediately.

So, today I defied the current sunny Southern California weather and just went for it: Navy tights with boots. We're a whole day past the first official day of Fall, people. I'd say it's high time that tights got their day in the sun.

Sorry. No. "In the gray and cold." That's what kind of day goes with tights.

VMAs. Or, Miley Put Your Tongue Away.

I adore awards shows. So much to judge, so little time. Here's a quick list:

VMAs, do music videos actually exist in the post apocalypse? (1981-1990)

Justin Timberlake. I felt a litte ripped off by the meager bone you threw your bandmates from NSYNC, but there is no denying your awesomeness. No, I don't listen to him much, you guys, but he did an athletic 20 minutes last night without breaking a sweat. Sure, he's no Michael Jackson, but that's ok...I dig you JT.

Last night I went to a KANYE restaurant. I had KANYE and then for KANYE I had some KANYE KANYE.  I sat next to KANYE and KANYED KANYELY all night. A KANYE time was had by KANYE.~ Kanye West filling out a Mad Lib

Is there a more narccistic human on the planet? Listen Mr. Kardashian, the R & B greats that have come before you and paved the way for your incomrehensible success, are rolling in their graves. Even posthumously, they also have more soul, talent, and class in their dry bones than you possess. Ugh.

TSwift. I channeled my inner teenage girl and thouroughly enjoyed EVERYTHING about you!! Squeeeee! The navy dress, red lips, fab fab fab. I die.

Daft Punk. WHY DID YOU PRESENT AND NOT PERFORM? NOT lucky. (See what I did there?)

Miley. Oh Miley, Miley, Miley. I feel like your attempt to be outrageous is your THING, as opposed to your actual music career. Don't get me wrong baby girl, I love you, but if you were my daughter I'd turn you over my knee and give you a spanking. And about that, lovey, do some squats.
The foam finger got to 3rd base with you ON TV. Also, no one wants to see a pretty girl look yukky. Lose the broke down Gwen Stefani wannabe look and stop doing things you will be embarassed about when you are an actual grownup. Like the tongue thing. It looked like a reptile in your mouth. I speak from experience. I was your age in 1984, for the love of spandex. Ask Xtina how the whole Im-not-a-sweet-Disney-girl-look-I'll-prove-it thing worked out for her. Muah.

Gaga does what Gaga does. I feel like she puts a bunch of glue on herself and rolls around and what ever sticks is the outfit. Great opening to this particular show though. Applause. <----i again.="" did="" font="" it="">

Katy Perry. I missed Katy. *sadface* But I saw that she wore grills. Uh...grills, Katy? Please see the Miley comment about pretty girls uglying up with a fashion statement that Flav A Flav rocked for goodness' sake!!

VMAs, In referenc to my first question, does anyone make rock music (videos) in 2013?

just Dawn

Being Lazy Pays off in This Case

I'm fully aware that this blog should no longer be considered "Dawn and Michelle's Blog." (Sad face emoticon) Let's be honest: There's really only one of us who is committed to this thing.

Well, my heart is committed; it's just the doing part that has commitment issues.

So, in a valiant effort to rally myself to write something...... I've decided to copy and paste some of Dawn's best material onto this post. (I'm easing my way back into the coming up with stuff to write about part of writing.)

In case you hadn't noticed (which really just means you've never read our blog), Dawn's kind of a creative genius when it comes to cleverness. So, enjoy this extra special edition of our (Dawn's) blog.

*She doesn't know I'm doing this. But I doubt she'll  mind; she handles attention pretty well.

All I'm saying is that you never see Nicki Minaj and E.T. in the same room.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She's the only female mouse that Mickey knows. Pressure's off girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.


Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in the Karate Kid where Daniels Mom was like, "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

Hey guy driving the Astrovan...you don't need the stick figures depicting you family on the back. No one is mistaking you for a player. Because minivan.

I only want to see your ultrasound photo if you're having a velociraptor.

BREAKING NEWS! 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities report that injuries happened because they were RUNNING WITH BULLS.

Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't know what's going to happen

I noticed today that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

I just watched Ruby chase her tail for 10 minutes, thought "dang, she's so easily entertained!" Then realized that I watched Ruby chase her tail for 10 minutes.

If you receive an email that says "FREE NICKI MINAJ CONCERT TICKETS" don't open it. It may contain free Nicki Minaj concert tickets.

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

I carry a knife but it's just in case of cake.

Ooh! It's Oscar night! What to wear!? Oh yeah....same thing as last year. Sweatpants and a teal Snuggie. #notfamous

I Try to Sound Smart in this One. It Goes Badly.

Pretty much the only reason I'm writing a new post is because I have "writing music" on right now that I'm willing to inspire me. Well, that and also because the other day Dawn mentioned something about our blog and I responded with, "Wait. Hold on. We have a blog?" Honestly, I was glad she reminded me. But, just so everyone knows, I take all the blame for my neglect and inconsistency. I think that's pretty big of me.

So, in turning over a new leaf (the leaf being this one post right here), I'm writing. Something. Not quite sure yet where this is going, but I'm looking forward to a wild ride of stops and starts and deletes and the technological version of angrily crumpling up pieces of paper (that's when you close your laptop really, really hard) and other exciting moments in a writer's (I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even tried to slip that in there.  "Blogger" is what I meant to say) life.

Because I'm looking for "easy" and "less work rather than more" as the themes for this post, I thought I'd start with the stylistic literary device known as "stream of consciousness." Or, "my pointless & meandering train of thought." You can go ahead and call it that when you want to relate to the masses who haven't read "Mrs. Dalloway." (Which, let's be honest, is pretty much the only book that anyone knows about that was written in this style.)

So, here's a glimpse into my own (sad) stream of consciousness that I experienced a few minutes ago. Be sure you're sitting down for this. (Wait. Actually? Stand up. Or, get in a really uncomfortable position; something that will make it difficult to nod off.)

"This 'Parenthood' playlist is amazing! This is totally the kind of music that a writer would have on in the background while they write the Great American Novel. I can at least write a lame blog post. Dawn would be happy with me. She's at the Killer's show tonight. I'm doing....this. Okay, start writing. Hey, this is going along smoothly! AAAAHHH! Derailed! This laptop is making my thighs feel hot and claustrophobic. I should probably take a break to cool them off. Since I'm up....Trader Joe's popcorn, please. Okay, transferring to the desk. GEEZ, the top of this desk is dirty! That's what I get for buying a glass-top desk. I should get those Windex wipes. Those are brilliant. And I'm probably getting brilliantly ripped off by buying those in their nice, convenient packaging instead of just using paper towels and the bottle of Windex. I should clean the bathroom soon. (Gasp!) Dang! I always forget that when I'm listening to something on Spotify, it's seen by people! People I know! Oh. Phew.... (sigh of relief); this playlist is making me look arty and hip. Unlike that time when I listened to that one Lil' Kim song. Wait. WAIT. DAMMIT! I think that was before I knew about privacy settings!! Man, it's hot! Gross - even my typing fingers feel sticky-sweaty. It's making it too hard to type. I should stop. (Really, Michelle? That's taking the excuse-making a little far, don't you think?) My gosh! I'm boring myself!"

And it went on like that for a little while longer.

So, this was my return to our blog. I know - I'm not proud of it either. But, it's something. Which, if I recall, was all that I said I was going to write anyway. Sooooo, kept that promise.

I'll do better next time. Or, Dawn will do better next time. That's probably more plausible.

Dog Show Re-deux

Let me preface this article by claiming my undying love and devotion for the 137 year old tradition that is the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  Sadly, I know what you're thinking right now.  Dog nerd.  Whenever I giddily announce that I'm as excited as a Jack Russell to watch 6 hours of dog show over a two day period, you snicker at me.  (Meanwhile, you with the smug superiority of someone who has a life, and wouldn't be caught dead wasting it on such frivolity, will happily log 10 thousand hours a year watching baseball, or the Bachelor, or, God forbid, Honey Boo Boo.).   I've said my piece.
With that, I offer my suggestions to the WKC planners and programmers, as well as the fine (if not a bit snooty) organization known as the American Kennell Club, to bring our beloved sport (IT IS TOO A SPORT) into the mainstream.

The Handlers:  Hire Clinton Kelly and Stacey London to make them over.  This is a whole broadcast in itself.  Stacey will have those dumpy dog dowagers whipped into shape in no time!  AND how fun will it be to see her make them throw their sparkly shapeless skirt suits, chunky man flats, and unflattering leg wear in the trash can?!  And the Junior handlers?  Clinton please!  Show the home schoolers a fashion magazine, for the love of Michael Kors!

The Dogs:  They are perfect.  However, I'd like to see all pooches under 5 months old.  That would be SO FUN!  Sure there would be less perfect prancing, but there would be MORE floppy ears, baggy puppy skin, goofy grins, and general puppy mayhem.  The dogs are making life way to easy for the ill-attired handlers.

The Announcer:  Michael La Fave has been the WKC announcer since 2001.  His air of British superiority is practically perfect.  He is like the Alex Trebek of the dog show world....we know you have all of the breed info in front of you, so maybe dial down the arragont tone, Mike.  Since I love that, we shall keep him, but we will ADD....oh I don't know...Flava Flav.  (I'm SURE he's available.)

The Judges:  I don't know how we could ever top the level of pomposity that exists in these dusty blowhards, but I suggest Simon Cowell, Nicki Minaj, JLo, and, well, me.  THINK about it....JLo gives the show a little street cred, (AND looks fab in formalwear) Nicki brings the cray cray to Madison Square Garden, and Simon and I are perfect foils with our rapier wit.  (I TOTALLY imagine him liking all of the little, fluffy, brown eye- booger type dogs.  Right?!)

The Production:  When the dogs enter the ring, they have music.  Like at a boxing match.  Some suggestions.  The Standard Poodle, Diva by Beyonce.  The Afghan?  I'm Sexy and I Know It.  How about The Mastiff?  I say Iron Man by Black Sabbath!  Bloodhound?  Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.  How about the Chinese Crested?  Born This Way by Lady Gaga.  Chihuahua?  Oh this ones easy...La Bamba!  Dalmatian?  Fire by Jimi Hendrix!  Labrador?  Eat It by Wierd Al!  LOL!!! I could do this all day!!!!  Hahaha!  (Leave your suggestions in Comments, please, clever friends.)

I offer these suggestions FREE to you Wstminster Kennel Club contingent on my being a judge for the 2014 show.  You are so welcome.  The dog show world will never be the same....

Just Dawn

Petting Zoo Fun!

I should have known that the Petting Zoo in San Juan Capistrano was going to be a laugh riot when I asked Siri "Where is the Petting Zoo?" when I was in San Juan today.  Siri replied, politely, "The zoo of petting is very close to where you are now."  I feel like she needed some sort of accent to word it this way....(Oh you can just imagine the delight on Rick's face!)

Lets address the obvious question:  Why the heck were you at a petting zoo?  I needed to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE people!  (Recovering from surgery, different story, totally not funny.)  So...here are Rick and I at Zoomars Petting Zoo.  Me:  "YAY!!!"  Rick:  "It stinks here."  Lady at the Entrance:  "Do you want admission only, or purchase any animal food?"  Rick:  "Admission only."  Me:  "PURCHASE ANIMAL FOOD!!  YAY!!"

Here are the funny/ironic/interesting thigs that ensued:

There is a huge dinosaur statue there.  Huge.  Life size. True to the historical flora and fauna of San Juan Capistrano?  Not sure if there were ever any Apatosaurus' roaming SoCal.

The majority of the animals at the Zoo of Petting were, wait for it, Guniea Pigs.  Are you kidding me??  Guinea Pigs are rats with a better PR Agency.  Think Lindsey Lohan vs. Ke$ha.

There was a Birthday Party/Picnic area.  AND it was packed.  It smelled like goat shit, ya'll.

Llamas love carrots, a lot, and have hideously poor mouth chewing manners, certainly not enhanced by their lack of dentistry.  One of them was very happy to have his matted, stinky neck scratched.  Like Ruby, only not as Princess-ey.

The bunnies were largely being chased and tortured by toddlers, so I spotted a beautiful black one trying to evade little Nathan in his cowboy outfit, and I slipped him a fat purple grape.  He was grateful.  (I would have like to have slipped little Nathan some Prozac.)

The line for the pony rides was depressing.  Don't get me started.  I may or may not have PETA on the horn as we speak.

I loved the wooly, semi-shorn sheep.  I will never understand how people can eat them.  Sorry, I know, not the place, just sayin'.  They have sweet faces and gentle demeanors. Maybe that's why God chose them to represent His beloved humans in so many ways.

One of my fav moments was Rick conversing with an Ostrich or Emu or something.  They had the same hairstyle.

So, all in all, Zoo of Petting excursion was a rousing success!  I got out, I got to pet things, feed things, and when I got home, got to perplex my dog with very strange animal smells.  It's always funny to see her go from GREETGREETGREET!!!!....to Wait!....What the heck is THAT?  SNIFFSNIFFSNIFF.....

It's a happy day when you go to a petting zoo so crappy that the big feature is Guniea Pigs, and you are STILL stoked!  My husband loves me.

just Dawn