Bra Shopping and suicide

Friends....it's been a while! But I'm writing a (hilarious) book so I thought I'd get some (hilarious) practice in. I went bra shopping today as those of you who follow me on social media know. Some of you are men and had your cheeky comments to add. Those of you who are women, hate those men. If we're honest ladies, we hate the little boobie girls who pop into Victoria's Secret and buy THE CUTEST little bras!!
Let me drop some truth bombs regarding bra shopping:
All bras under D cup come in cute styles.
1 or 2 bras D cup r larger come in cute styles aka not having 5 hooks in the back and wide straps and featuring a "no back fat" option.
There is a 100% chance that when you find a D+ option in a sassy hot pink, with a reasonable 3 hooks in the back, it will make your boobs look like they live on different continents as much as you WANT that pretty bra to work.
Phase two comes when you give up on pretty and just want a bra that has support and is decent. (You've already tossed out "cute".) So the next bras fall into the old lady bra category. Where you're just going....I need something sensible that looks decent under clothes. Well thank god I took a clingy t-shirt with me!! I tried on old lady bra after bra that molded my half century old boobs into their own separate entities. I almost drank the "so comfortable" kook-aid until I realized that my boobs looked like my nanas. Not bad, but definitely not good. If our breasts are sex objects to our husbands, then what are they if we hate them?? If the bra we are wearing screams NANA??? I almost cried in the store.
Here is my next bra quandary. I went to a discount store because they carry a high end bra line that I love, but is very expensive. The first one I bought was a 36D. (This is not meant to titilate, it is for consistency issues.)  I spend a lot for it and it was quality so I bought another one of the SAME BRAND, SAME STYLE, SAME SIZE. It was too small. So I returned it for a 36DD. Fit same and perfectly. (Far as I know, my boobs are not growing.) Today: SAME BRA SAME BRAND SAME MODEL EXACTLY THE SAMMMMEEEEE....36DDD.
Should you think I've gained weight, my boobs are bigger...NO...the bra I was wearing was the 36D model SAME BRA and fit me just fine except for being exhausted from carrying my titties around for the last year or so. Poor bra! It should be tired!! It should win an award!!
WTF bra makers? Do you hate us?? Do you want to reduce us to blobby masses in indiscriminate poorly lit dressing rooms in discount stores? DO YOU FEAST ON OUR TEARS???
I don't mean to be dramatic but I've not felt so unattractive in my life. I came home and booked plastic surgery appointments. I mourned the death of the body I used to have that LOVED buying lingerie. Ugh. I know, I know, ladies, I've preached it for years, we're beautiful on the inside! I will never stop believing that. But bra shopping kicked my ass today. Quite frankly, ladies, I look better naked.