I got home and noticed that no one had gotten the mail yet today. One of life's small pleasures to me is picking up my (snail) mail. Most of my bills are paid on-line, so there's no danger of getting one of those, and I love catalogues, as a rule, and there's always the slim chance of an invitation, announcement or a sweet card (the latter of which is usually from my mom.) So generally speaking, I do like to pick up the mail.
Today, my mail was rude to me. How dare my mail make assumptions about me? Frankly, Mail, I am a little insulted by your insinuations. I know, I know....I've neglected you a bit. When was the last time I mailed a letter? Sent a card? I know you hate my "paperless" lifestyle, but you have gone too far.
Today, in the mail, addressed to me, not "Occupant" was a mailer for a foot and ankle clinic. (Someone is assuming I have some sort of nasty bunion or corn issue. Which I assure you I do NOT. My feet are lovely and youthful.) The next piece of mail, I'm sure much to Rick's delight, was his AARP card. How DARE you, Mail? My husband is a ROCK. STAR. AARP cards are for old people. You must have the wrong guy, Mail. My sole catalog today was from L.L. Bean Woman. Seriously, Mail....Have you MET me?
What happened to my Rolling Stone magazine? My Cosmopolitan? Maybe I still need to know "10 New Ways to Please My Man". So what if I haven't known who the slutty actress is on the cover of Cosmo for the past 8 years?
While we are on topic, people do NOT send me emails for old people. I won't get it, and if I do, I will not admit to getting it. I will roll my eyes like a teenager. Absolutely NO "Maxine" cartoons. No, I have not seen "Menopause, the Musical" nor will I. I cannot relate to your hot flashes or your colonoscopys. (Yet.) Do NOT ask me if I remember some actress from some movie from the 50s or 60s. I don't. I remember Tawny Kittean from Bachelor Party and Phoebe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Dylan Thomas said it best: "Do not go gentle into that good night.
Old age should burn and rave at the close of the day.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Good job Dylan. I choose to burn and rave. Take that, Mail.
just Dawn
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LOVE IT DAWN!!!!!!!!!! You rock!!
ReplyDeleteI agree Dawn! I hate getting unnecessary mail but still look forward to my magazines! I don't even keep track of my age anymore, I have to think when someone asks! LOL
ReplyDeleteDawn. This is publishable, to say the least. The way you addressed the whole thing to your mail as though he (it's a "he" b/c it seemed insensitive to age related issues)was awesome, and the ending with the Dylan Thomas quote?! Brilliant. "I choose to burn and rave." That might be my new favorite quote by you. I'm proud to be friends w/ such a genius writer.
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