With Summer upon us, I'd like to point out a few guidelines. You know how I like to help! Here they are in no particular order.
1. Ladies, get a pedicure. Or give yourself one. I'm ok with that too. Just PLEASE do not subject the public to your crusty heels and hairy toes. I know, I know, they've been in boots for a few months. I get it.
2. Guys, unless you look like Charlie Hunnam, or are at the beach, please wear a shirt. (Charlie, if you're reading this, please, no shirts for you.) What am I thinking? All men think they look awesome....in all of their hairy, balding, beer gutted glory. Gals, maybe we should take a page from the man body image book and ease up on ourselves a bit. I digress. On the topic of shirts gentlemen, tank tops are for very casual settings...beach, park, motocross event. Otherwise, please don't subject me to your hairy back, armpits, etc. while I am enjoying my endless soup and salad at the Olive Garden.
3. Bicyclists: Those of you in full cycling regalia and those of you who are normal. Also your kids. Please utilize etiquette and courtesy. Pedestrians have the right of way. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE WALKING THEIR DOG AND YOU ZOOM UP WAYTOOCLOSE AND SCARE HER. I confess to fantasizing about clotheslining your arrogant ass and watching you land like Wile E. Coyote.
4. If you have access to a community pool please make sure your diapered toddler is not leaking. Not all of us think little Brittany is so adorable. Also, I'm all FOR hanging with friends, a few beers and a good time, but I'm AGAINST your loud, foul mouth. Be respectful of those around you who don't want to hear your f-bomb laced diatribe and your ignorant opinions on everything. I'm sure little Brittany's mom would agree.
5. Skateboarders, stay off of the damn sidewalks where people who have jobs and take showers walk. See #3 for possible outcomes.
6. And finally, wear sunscreen. This one is real. Skin cancer is deadly and tans are so New Jersey anyway.
Please share with your friends before a cyclist is injured in a case of Beach Trail Rage. Thanks. Happy Summer (almost!)
Just Dawn
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
NOT for guys
Bra shopping.
Thanks guys, for tuning in, even though the title was NOT FOR GUYS. But ladies, now that I've said "bra" and "shopping" they're all gone.
First and foremost, I hate when women call their breasts "the girls". I don't know why. It's just....ew. Support me on this. See what I did there?! Haha me.
So, I'm shopping for a strapless bra. Is there anything worse to shop for when you:
1. Are not an A cup.
2. Have natural breasts.
3. Are over 40
Reading reviews, looking at top contenders in the strapless D+ category....ugh.
Found the holy grail of strapless bras for busty girls! It's the top rated! It's a brand I already wear and love! It's pricey...It's $40 a boob. Ugh again.
For a bra I'll wear twice a year? No ladies, you're right. I have to have one. A perfect one. I'm sure this is it. The internet said so.
Tomorrow I'm going unicorn shopping.
Just Dawn
Thanks guys, for tuning in, even though the title was NOT FOR GUYS. But ladies, now that I've said "bra" and "shopping" they're all gone.
First and foremost, I hate when women call their breasts "the girls". I don't know why. It's just....ew. Support me on this. See what I did there?! Haha me.
So, I'm shopping for a strapless bra. Is there anything worse to shop for when you:
1. Are not an A cup.
2. Have natural breasts.
3. Are over 40
Reading reviews, looking at top contenders in the strapless D+ category....ugh.
Found the holy grail of strapless bras for busty girls! It's the top rated! It's a brand I already wear and love! It's pricey...It's $40 a boob. Ugh again.
For a bra I'll wear twice a year? No ladies, you're right. I have to have one. A perfect one. I'm sure this is it. The internet said so.
Tomorrow I'm going unicorn shopping.
Just Dawn
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Grammy Meh
Open the show with ACDC!!! F YEAHHHHHH!!!
I love LL Cool J. Same hat doe, bro??
T SWIZZLE!!!
Sam Smith…nerdy makes good. Yay you, dude.
Jessie J, how can you stand on the stage with Tom Jones in that monstrosity of a dress? UGH. you guys, her boobs look like pancakes. Hate. Fire your stylist.
Pharrell’s shorts are the equivalent of his hat last year. So, yeah. Bow tie, on point.
Did Kanye just get done at fitness 19?
Madonna!!! Living for love….The OG brought it. As only she can. Looked better than the last few times Ive seen her. Love the finger waves, girl.
Wait, what happened to your voice Madge when you went live?
Im a little bored here peeps….
I hope it gets better…..
Bey, your hair never looked better. No one loves you like i do, girl.
Who's the ginger? #wheresdavegrohl #wheresbilliejoe?
ELO. Junior high Dawn is stressing over the dance.
Im in Maroon 5! What’s your name? Not Adam Levine. Oh, that guy.
Gwen is my spirit animal. Her dress is what id like to be buried in.
Where’s the rock act? I see you, Dave Grohl….
Hozier….(Kenny G hair?)
I show you my sins and you sharpen your knife….I can relate!
(I could TAG people in this!)
(Katy Perry’s Cover Girl ad was the highlight of the Grammys so far.)
PSA…good, but?
Ok, segway to song….Is that ok?…
But…. I love Katy.
This performance, powerful. beautiful. LOVE the shadow dancers.
(Where do you freaking apply for that? No, I’m serious.)
Katy. Wow. the white cape dress, wow. You, wow.
Ok, where is the rock act?
Let’s all agree that Annie Lennox is the coolest white woman ever and I won’t have to shank you in the calf.
Tony and Gaga. Color me excited!!
Heaven, I’m in heaven…
Tony B, you still got it man.
LADY Gaga, I love you so much and this is your sweet spot, sista!!
(Michelle, please suck it, bc Gaga was ON POINT. Don’t fight it.)
Keith Urbans ponytail is SO LAME. What is he thinking? Did he get tired of being cute and relevant?
Country blah blah country….
Rhi!! Ok, big all star jam…
Rhianna, Kanye, and…Sir Paul? It’s weird for me, dawg.
*Crowd shot of dude with afro pick in his hair. awesome.*
(Ok, Rick went to bed.)
Were is the rock act? Hell, I’ll take a kick ass DJ. At least last year they ad Avicii and Daft Punk.
Hopefully Juannes is better than all of those Country people. Odelay…
K.
WHERE’S THE ROCK ACT??
Ok, just heard the rest of the line up. Ok, my girl Beyonce, but you guys….Prince…WHERE’S THE ROCK ACT??
Dang. Color me sad, Grammys. Sure I loved Katy and T Swift and Gaga but this year was just meh for me dawg.
Im going to bed. I will dream about Muse and the Foo Fighters. Imagine Dragons and Arctic Monkeys. I’m sure the Killers are ROCKING THE SHIT out of somewhere right now. But thanks Grammys, for all the Kanye I could stomach and more country than I could bear.
These opinions are brought to you by Dawn only. But I’m pretty sure Michelle is coming along…
Love and Grammys,
just Dawn
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Top 10 Reasons Insomnia is Awesome
1. Getting lost song lyrics stuck in your head. Tonight's offering: Ooh la la do wah diddy, girl I got the key to the city. Ooh la la do wah diddy, can we go somewhere an get busyyy?
2. Crazy thoughts. What if Ruby had pink gossamer wings and a tiara?
3. Doubt and fear. I should update my resume in case I get fired, and I should probably spend some time checking symptoms on Web MD.
4. Facebook stalking. I'm looking at you, kid I knew in 5th grade.
5. I should eat something.
6. Listening for weird noises.
7. Wishing for shooting stars.
8. Brilliant business ideas that I should write down. Tonight: Dog Ice Cream Food Truck.
9. Stressing. Tonight: money, health, kids, dog, weird mole, relationships, friends, family, responsibilities, future, past, aging, hair, sleeping, early onset Alzheimer's, weight, global warming, and endangered species.
10. Candy Crush level 327. Ugh.
2. Crazy thoughts. What if Ruby had pink gossamer wings and a tiara?
3. Doubt and fear. I should update my resume in case I get fired, and I should probably spend some time checking symptoms on Web MD.
4. Facebook stalking. I'm looking at you, kid I knew in 5th grade.
5. I should eat something.
6. Listening for weird noises.
7. Wishing for shooting stars.
8. Brilliant business ideas that I should write down. Tonight: Dog Ice Cream Food Truck.
9. Stressing. Tonight: money, health, kids, dog, weird mole, relationships, friends, family, responsibilities, future, past, aging, hair, sleeping, early onset Alzheimer's, weight, global warming, and endangered species.
10. Candy Crush level 327. Ugh.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Truth in Advertising
You Guys...loyal readers, aka mine and Michelle's moms....I am crying out, no...DEMANDING a little truth in advertising. Not for any altruistic reason, oh no, but for funny.....you know me.
Jack in the Box. I respect you. You are true to your brand. Am I revolted by you? Am I incensed by your portrayal of young, beautiful women? Does your food SUCK? All yes. And a big HOWEVER here...you know your audience...18-28 year old horny stoner guys. I feel you, JITB. I do. You know your brand. I am not your market. I am not your customer, so I get why your commercials do not feature low carb options, dark, leafy greens, and David Beckham.
Here's what I'd like: MORE companies like JITB. Be honest, please. My list, and Madison Avenue, call me, Dahlings....
Visene. Can we PLEASE market Visene to stoners? Helloooo, Viseneeeee...yeah, like you never thought of it. Scenario: Cop pulls over carload of pot smoking surfers, with bags of Del Taco. (Tie-in, anyone!??) Officer: "Gentlemen, Have you been drinking, or anything? " Dudes: "No way, bro, look at our EYES." Officer: "Good golly, friends, your eyes are bright and clear! You are free to go!"
*Visene flies off of shelves*
You're welcome, Visene.
First Response Pregnancy Test. FRPT, until I see a commercial with two people high fiving, and doing a celebratory shot over a negative result, I will NEVER believe in you.
Feminine products. Until you do a tie in with tequila and M&Ms, I do not believe your claims. We are NOT frolicking in white pants on the back of a horse. We are NOT swimming with a big confident smile on our face. We are NOT hiking and doing taekwondo. We are pissed. We are angry. Our uteruses are being evil minions of satan, spewing blood and evil at the prospect of NOT being pregnant. (Jeez, we can't win!) STOP smiling on your commercials, being excited about "Wings". STOP printing "encouraging messages" on MAXI PADS. "Have a happy period" just pisses me off. I'd loved to have been in on that marketing meeting... HAVEAHAPPYPERIOD???? Are you KIDDING???
Here area few more in brief, and I'd love to hear yours:
Laundry commercials showing a happy soccer mom gleefully washing gross soccer laundry.
Kids ecstatic over shitty cereal.
Olive Garden...presenting awful food as good. (Also insert: Red Lobster, Chilis, TGI Fridays, and Sizzler. Serving middle America since 19-o-gross.
Mini vans. Oh man, how hard must it be to make mini vans look appealing? Truth in advertising/mini vans: Have you just given up? Did you USED to be cool, but now have SO MANY KIDS that cool is impossible? Yeah, we already knew, because...minivan. #sorrybro
Add yours here....
And thanks readers (moms)
Just Dawn
Jack in the Box. I respect you. You are true to your brand. Am I revolted by you? Am I incensed by your portrayal of young, beautiful women? Does your food SUCK? All yes. And a big HOWEVER here...you know your audience...18-28 year old horny stoner guys. I feel you, JITB. I do. You know your brand. I am not your market. I am not your customer, so I get why your commercials do not feature low carb options, dark, leafy greens, and David Beckham.
Here's what I'd like: MORE companies like JITB. Be honest, please. My list, and Madison Avenue, call me, Dahlings....
Visene. Can we PLEASE market Visene to stoners? Helloooo, Viseneeeee...yeah, like you never thought of it. Scenario: Cop pulls over carload of pot smoking surfers, with bags of Del Taco. (Tie-in, anyone!??) Officer: "Gentlemen, Have you been drinking, or anything? " Dudes: "No way, bro, look at our EYES." Officer: "Good golly, friends, your eyes are bright and clear! You are free to go!"
*Visene flies off of shelves*
You're welcome, Visene.
First Response Pregnancy Test. FRPT, until I see a commercial with two people high fiving, and doing a celebratory shot over a negative result, I will NEVER believe in you.
Feminine products. Until you do a tie in with tequila and M&Ms, I do not believe your claims. We are NOT frolicking in white pants on the back of a horse. We are NOT swimming with a big confident smile on our face. We are NOT hiking and doing taekwondo. We are pissed. We are angry. Our uteruses are being evil minions of satan, spewing blood and evil at the prospect of NOT being pregnant. (Jeez, we can't win!) STOP smiling on your commercials, being excited about "Wings". STOP printing "encouraging messages" on MAXI PADS. "Have a happy period" just pisses me off. I'd loved to have been in on that marketing meeting... HAVEAHAPPYPERIOD???? Are you KIDDING???
Here area few more in brief, and I'd love to hear yours:
Laundry commercials showing a happy soccer mom gleefully washing gross soccer laundry.
Kids ecstatic over shitty cereal.
Olive Garden...presenting awful food as good. (Also insert: Red Lobster, Chilis, TGI Fridays, and Sizzler. Serving middle America since 19-o-gross.
Mini vans. Oh man, how hard must it be to make mini vans look appealing? Truth in advertising/mini vans: Have you just given up? Did you USED to be cool, but now have SO MANY KIDS that cool is impossible? Yeah, we already knew, because...minivan. #sorrybro
Add yours here....
And thanks readers (moms)
Just Dawn
Monday, January 27, 2014
Grammys!!!
Be warned...if you read this blog at all, you know that I have unpredictable taste in music. Nevermind the previous statement, what was I thinking?.... The only person who reads this is my mom and she doesn't know anything about music post Elvis.
That to be said, here is my opinionated opinion about the 2014 Grammy Awards. I have provided hashtags so that you may tweet these musings at your leisure. You're welcome.
Beyonce. doesn't anyone wear pants in pop music anymore? I mean girl, you know I love you, and you rock lingerie like no other, but pants. PS. Your hair tonight...no. #pantsplease
I love you LL Cool J!!! Same hat though bro? #mamasaidknockyouout
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I love a Cinderella story! I also LOVE giant houndstooth skinny suits and green velour. So MUCH!! #iwearyourgrandadsclothes
Kudos to Lourde to being the anti-Taylor Swift. She looked supes uncomfortable though. #gothdiva #tigersonagoldleash #queenbee
The Grammys are older than me. Yay. You look great FOR YOUR AGE, Grammys. #worstcomplimentever #ihaveissues
#DAFFFFTPUNKKKK!!!!
Anna Faris (presenter) #datDRESS (If you missed it, Google it ladies!!! Swoon!!)
Katy. Oooh, I love dark Katy, but the Cirque du Soleil dancers were distracting. Do NOT take my eyes away from my pop princess for one second please. #girlcrush
Is Robin Thicke playing with Chicago to bring some class back to his act post Miley? And by class, do we trot out some old arena rock dinosaurs? Ok no, that wasn't fair...Chicago's horn section is amazing. But really. #chicagosauraus #chiteritops #JKchicagothebeatlesarewayold
Hey...John Legend has on a shirt. And apparently, pants. AND he's playing an instrument. do you hear me, Bey? And Pink? #backtobasics #clothesarebasic
Pat Smear! You just won a freaking Grammy award! STOP chomping on your gum like a camel! Ugh. #gross #dudeyoureontv
Rick, please stop talking to me while TSwift is on. (She also wore clothes tonight.) #imnotreallyateenager #singinghersongsinmyhairbrush
Dawn fact: I am a huge sucker for Pink's Just Give Me a Reason. #crylikeagirl
"Anme thlah huneew aghh" ~ Ozzy Osbourne #WTH? #blacksabbath13
Hey Grammys, you're honoring the Beatles NOW? The last 50 years, no, but NOW? Never thought of it? Huh. That seems like a miss, big deal music awards show. Who's next year, The Everly Brothers? Somebody get Ringo his Metamucil. Jeez. You look good though Ringo FOR YOUR AGE. #JPGR4ever
Thankfully Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons brought the energy back to the room. Woah!! Dawn fact #2: This was my personal highlight of the evening even though I adore Daft Punk and stayed up past 10:00 to see them. #vegas #compton #istayeduplate
Oh wow. This country girl. Kasey Musgraves. While I know ZERO ZERO ZERO about country music, I do know star quality when I see it and when you combine that with kitsch and neon cacti and LIGHT UP BOOTS, you maam, have won over a new fan. #makelotsofnoise #kisslotsofboys
Catchy, Sir Paul. I'm just having some trouble getting on the geriatric rock bus....it's me, not you. Obvi. #soundslikewings #JPGR4ever
Thanks CBS for the obligatory shot of Yoko dancing to Paul's song...we all know she ruined the Beatles. We haven't forgotten. #JPGR4life
Pharrell. Congratulations on being brilliant. Please lose the Jed Clampett hat. Otherwise, I just bask in your awesomeness.
Stevie Wonder with Daft Punk, Pharrell, and Nile Rodgers!! I am WAY too happy about this!! I adore the sort of late 70s early 80s new wavey vibe to this song that no matter what you do, you cannot remove it from your head once it gets stuck. Well done gentlemen and robots!!! #getlucky #robots #france
I didn't stay up to see Billie Joe Armstrong rock the stage as well as his guyliner, but I will confidently report that he was amazeballs.
If you agree or disagree with me I'd love to start a courteous music dialogue.
Happy Grammys people!!!
just Dawn
That to be said, here is my opinionated opinion about the 2014 Grammy Awards. I have provided hashtags so that you may tweet these musings at your leisure. You're welcome.
Beyonce. doesn't anyone wear pants in pop music anymore? I mean girl, you know I love you, and you rock lingerie like no other, but pants. PS. Your hair tonight...no. #pantsplease
I love you LL Cool J!!! Same hat though bro? #mamasaidknockyouout
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I love a Cinderella story! I also LOVE giant houndstooth skinny suits and green velour. So MUCH!! #iwearyourgrandadsclothes
Kudos to Lourde to being the anti-Taylor Swift. She looked supes uncomfortable though. #gothdiva #tigersonagoldleash #queenbee
The Grammys are older than me. Yay. You look great FOR YOUR AGE, Grammys. #worstcomplimentever #ihaveissues
#DAFFFFTPUNKKKK!!!!
Anna Faris (presenter) #datDRESS (If you missed it, Google it ladies!!! Swoon!!)
Katy. Oooh, I love dark Katy, but the Cirque du Soleil dancers were distracting. Do NOT take my eyes away from my pop princess for one second please. #girlcrush
Is Robin Thicke playing with Chicago to bring some class back to his act post Miley? And by class, do we trot out some old arena rock dinosaurs? Ok no, that wasn't fair...Chicago's horn section is amazing. But really. #chicagosauraus #chiteritops #JKchicagothebeatlesarewayold
Hey...John Legend has on a shirt. And apparently, pants. AND he's playing an instrument. do you hear me, Bey? And Pink? #backtobasics #clothesarebasic
Pat Smear! You just won a freaking Grammy award! STOP chomping on your gum like a camel! Ugh. #gross #dudeyoureontv
Rick, please stop talking to me while TSwift is on. (She also wore clothes tonight.) #imnotreallyateenager #singinghersongsinmyhairbrush
Dawn fact: I am a huge sucker for Pink's Just Give Me a Reason. #crylikeagirl
"Anme thlah huneew aghh" ~ Ozzy Osbourne #WTH? #blacksabbath13
Hey Grammys, you're honoring the Beatles NOW? The last 50 years, no, but NOW? Never thought of it? Huh. That seems like a miss, big deal music awards show. Who's next year, The Everly Brothers? Somebody get Ringo his Metamucil. Jeez. You look good though Ringo FOR YOUR AGE. #JPGR4ever
Thankfully Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons brought the energy back to the room. Woah!! Dawn fact #2: This was my personal highlight of the evening even though I adore Daft Punk and stayed up past 10:00 to see them. #vegas #compton #istayeduplate
Oh wow. This country girl. Kasey Musgraves. While I know ZERO ZERO ZERO about country music, I do know star quality when I see it and when you combine that with kitsch and neon cacti and LIGHT UP BOOTS, you maam, have won over a new fan. #makelotsofnoise #kisslotsofboys
Catchy, Sir Paul. I'm just having some trouble getting on the geriatric rock bus....it's me, not you. Obvi. #soundslikewings #JPGR4ever
Thanks CBS for the obligatory shot of Yoko dancing to Paul's song...we all know she ruined the Beatles. We haven't forgotten. #JPGR4life
Pharrell. Congratulations on being brilliant. Please lose the Jed Clampett hat. Otherwise, I just bask in your awesomeness.
Stevie Wonder with Daft Punk, Pharrell, and Nile Rodgers!! I am WAY too happy about this!! I adore the sort of late 70s early 80s new wavey vibe to this song that no matter what you do, you cannot remove it from your head once it gets stuck. Well done gentlemen and robots!!! #getlucky #robots #france
I didn't stay up to see Billie Joe Armstrong rock the stage as well as his guyliner, but I will confidently report that he was amazeballs.
If you agree or disagree with me I'd love to start a courteous music dialogue.
Happy Grammys people!!!
just Dawn
Monday, December 30, 2013
OMGsh Dawn...cleanse!
(Read to the tune of "Royals")
But every meal is like cup cakes, nut fudge, butter in the pound cake
cookies, cheesecake, real vanilla, not fake
We don't care, we're eaten' spinach dip all day
But everybody's like hot choc, whip cream, butter on your pancakes
turkey, gravy, cookies oh for gosh sakes
We don't care...we are caught up in a food affair
And well never be skinnnny (skinny)
it don't run in our blood
Discipline just ain't for us
We crave a sugar kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler (ruler)
You can call me Creme Bruleeee
and baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule...
Let me live fat fantasy....
Ugh....
Holiday cleanse....
just Dawn
But every meal is like cup cakes, nut fudge, butter in the pound cake
cookies, cheesecake, real vanilla, not fake
We don't care, we're eaten' spinach dip all day
But everybody's like hot choc, whip cream, butter on your pancakes
turkey, gravy, cookies oh for gosh sakes
We don't care...we are caught up in a food affair
And well never be skinnnny (skinny)
it don't run in our blood
Discipline just ain't for us
We crave a sugar kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler (ruler)
You can call me Creme Bruleeee
and baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule...
Let me live fat fantasy....
Ugh....
Holiday cleanse....
just Dawn
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