Friends....it's been a while! But I'm writing a (hilarious) book so I thought I'd get some (hilarious) practice in. I went bra shopping today as those of you who follow me on social media know. Some of you are men and had your cheeky comments to add. Those of you who are women, hate those men. If we're honest ladies, we hate the little boobie girls who pop into Victoria's Secret and buy THE CUTEST little bras!!
Let me drop some truth bombs regarding bra shopping:
All bras under D cup come in cute styles.
1 or 2 bras D cup r larger come in cute styles aka not having 5 hooks in the back and wide straps and featuring a "no back fat" option.
There is a 100% chance that when you find a D+ option in a sassy hot pink, with a reasonable 3 hooks in the back, it will make your boobs look like they live on different continents as much as you WANT that pretty bra to work.
Phase two comes when you give up on pretty and just want a bra that has support and is decent. (You've already tossed out "cute".) So the next bras fall into the old lady bra category. Where you're just going....I need something sensible that looks decent under clothes. Well thank god I took a clingy t-shirt with me!! I tried on old lady bra after bra that molded my half century old boobs into their own separate entities. I almost drank the "so comfortable" kook-aid until I realized that my boobs looked like my nanas. Not bad, but definitely not good. If our breasts are sex objects to our husbands, then what are they if we hate them?? If the bra we are wearing screams NANA??? I almost cried in the store.
Here is my next bra quandary. I went to a discount store because they carry a high end bra line that I love, but is very expensive. The first one I bought was a 36D. (This is not meant to titilate, it is for consistency issues.) I spend a lot for it and it was quality so I bought another one of the SAME BRAND, SAME STYLE, SAME SIZE. It was too small. So I returned it for a 36DD. Fit same and perfectly. (Far as I know, my boobs are not growing.) Today: SAME BRA SAME BRAND SAME MODEL EXACTLY THE SAMMMMEEEEE....36DDD.
Should you think I've gained weight, my boobs are bigger...NO...the bra I was wearing was the 36D model SAME BRA and fit me just fine except for being exhausted from carrying my titties around for the last year or so. Poor bra! It should be tired!! It should win an award!!
WTF bra makers? Do you hate us?? Do you want to reduce us to blobby masses in indiscriminate poorly lit dressing rooms in discount stores? DO YOU FEAST ON OUR TEARS???
I don't mean to be dramatic but I've not felt so unattractive in my life. I came home and booked plastic surgery appointments. I mourned the death of the body I used to have that LOVED buying lingerie. Ugh. I know, I know, ladies, I've preached it for years, we're beautiful on the inside! I will never stop believing that. But bra shopping kicked my ass today. Quite frankly, ladies, I look better naked.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Drag Hag
Hello Super-sparkly, Aquanetted, sky high stiletto-tottering Divas!!
It's me, Dawn, Godiva, Dawndiva, Go-Diva back from Rupaul's Drag Con in LosAngeles! Wheeee! My life is more complete. Flowers smell better. The sky is bluer and the birds sing louder after a weekend of candy-colored sky-high wigs, thigh boots galore, and more camp and glam than a small town little Podunk Las Vegas wrestler like me could ever get my starry eyes around! It would be impossible to describe the glory of DragCon in its entirety here in our humble little blog, without photos, so I will throw you a bone Lovies....in no particular order, here are Divey's Drag Con Highlights!! Shantay this way!
1. Learnings: The "Ladies" use both the men's room and the ladies room.
2. Booths: A WHOLE BOOTH JUST SELLING GLITTER. Also, men's underwear with padded butts in them. *cue to me giggling*
3. Sequined capes. SO MANY SEQUINED CAPES.
4. Workshop on "the tuck". (For clarity's sake, I did not attend, but was so happy to know this helpful breakout session was available.)
5. Modern day drag divas have girl parts. SERIOUS girl parts. It is staggering to imagine a commitment to a lifestyle that includes such a drastic, surgical component. There were boobs everywhere, of course, but the amount of ASS IMPLANTS was mind boggling! I was talking to a stunningly gorgeous queen in a super cute and sexy bunny outfit. She probably measured about 40" 20" 38". Barbie perfect. When I complimented her ass, she said "I bought it" which I assumed because boys simply do not have Kardashian-esque assets. But, wow. Actually, butt wow.
6. Meeting my fav Drag Diva, Sharon Needles. Miss Needles was a star of season 4 of Drag Race. Oh stop what you're doing and Google her now if you're not familiar. Are you back? You're welcome. She is a bit of a goth styled queen, edgy, ballsy (no pun intended), and drop dead gorgeous. The next time you see me, ask me about our encounter. Hollywood and I were poolside at my hotel bar and our hour together with Sharon Needles went from bad to awesome to horrible every 5 minutes. We had a shot of Makers Mark. (That was part of the awesome) most of the rest is too graphic for a PG13 blog.
7. The GLOW panel. We had an AMAZING group of fans attend and my fellow GLOW wrestlers were remarkably well behaved. Also, we were funny and had a blast. One thing, that I actually knew from years of ministering to my LGBT friends and fans but that kept getting reinforced, was that in our large LGBT following, we really made an impact on some of their lives. I heard tearful story after story about not fitting in, being bullied, feeling like an outcast....and watching GLOW on Saturdays and feeling empowered, and pretty, and happy. One gal attributed our influence to her joining roller derby when she grew up, one young man said that we made it easier to come out to his family. There were lots of stories. Lots of love and memories all around.
8. Photo ops galore. GALORE. If you're not currently following me on Twitter and Instagram, follow me now. Twitter: @dawn_maestas. Instagram: dawnmaestas. And Snapchat: dawnbomb.
9. Drag Queen incarnations of Mama and Eunice aka Carol Burnett and Vicki Lawrence from the television show Mamas Family. The originals were hilarious. The copies were also hilarious. 100% in character, Eunice complaining, Mama disapproving. For photo, see #8. This was a serious highlight.
10. Wigs upon wigs upon wigs.
My takeaway from this weekend for those of you not versed in drag culture: Some of the people there were a hot mess. Some were articulate, talented, and sweeter than pie. Some were obnoxious, self centered divas. Some were brilliant actors. Some were gay, some were straight. Some were artists, some were trying hard to be. My point is this....it is quite likely the same mixed bowl of people in your own world. Only WAY better dressed. Shantay Away.
It's me, Dawn, Godiva, Dawndiva, Go-Diva back from Rupaul's Drag Con in LosAngeles! Wheeee! My life is more complete. Flowers smell better. The sky is bluer and the birds sing louder after a weekend of candy-colored sky-high wigs, thigh boots galore, and more camp and glam than a small town little Podunk Las Vegas wrestler like me could ever get my starry eyes around! It would be impossible to describe the glory of DragCon in its entirety here in our humble little blog, without photos, so I will throw you a bone Lovies....in no particular order, here are Divey's Drag Con Highlights!! Shantay this way!
1. Learnings: The "Ladies" use both the men's room and the ladies room.
2. Booths: A WHOLE BOOTH JUST SELLING GLITTER. Also, men's underwear with padded butts in them. *cue to me giggling*
3. Sequined capes. SO MANY SEQUINED CAPES.
4. Workshop on "the tuck". (For clarity's sake, I did not attend, but was so happy to know this helpful breakout session was available.)
5. Modern day drag divas have girl parts. SERIOUS girl parts. It is staggering to imagine a commitment to a lifestyle that includes such a drastic, surgical component. There were boobs everywhere, of course, but the amount of ASS IMPLANTS was mind boggling! I was talking to a stunningly gorgeous queen in a super cute and sexy bunny outfit. She probably measured about 40" 20" 38". Barbie perfect. When I complimented her ass, she said "I bought it" which I assumed because boys simply do not have Kardashian-esque assets. But, wow. Actually, butt wow.
6. Meeting my fav Drag Diva, Sharon Needles. Miss Needles was a star of season 4 of Drag Race. Oh stop what you're doing and Google her now if you're not familiar. Are you back? You're welcome. She is a bit of a goth styled queen, edgy, ballsy (no pun intended), and drop dead gorgeous. The next time you see me, ask me about our encounter. Hollywood and I were poolside at my hotel bar and our hour together with Sharon Needles went from bad to awesome to horrible every 5 minutes. We had a shot of Makers Mark. (That was part of the awesome) most of the rest is too graphic for a PG13 blog.
7. The GLOW panel. We had an AMAZING group of fans attend and my fellow GLOW wrestlers were remarkably well behaved. Also, we were funny and had a blast. One thing, that I actually knew from years of ministering to my LGBT friends and fans but that kept getting reinforced, was that in our large LGBT following, we really made an impact on some of their lives. I heard tearful story after story about not fitting in, being bullied, feeling like an outcast....and watching GLOW on Saturdays and feeling empowered, and pretty, and happy. One gal attributed our influence to her joining roller derby when she grew up, one young man said that we made it easier to come out to his family. There were lots of stories. Lots of love and memories all around.
8. Photo ops galore. GALORE. If you're not currently following me on Twitter and Instagram, follow me now. Twitter: @dawn_maestas. Instagram: dawnmaestas. And Snapchat: dawnbomb.
9. Drag Queen incarnations of Mama and Eunice aka Carol Burnett and Vicki Lawrence from the television show Mamas Family. The originals were hilarious. The copies were also hilarious. 100% in character, Eunice complaining, Mama disapproving. For photo, see #8. This was a serious highlight.
10. Wigs upon wigs upon wigs.
My takeaway from this weekend for those of you not versed in drag culture: Some of the people there were a hot mess. Some were articulate, talented, and sweeter than pie. Some were obnoxious, self centered divas. Some were brilliant actors. Some were gay, some were straight. Some were artists, some were trying hard to be. My point is this....it is quite likely the same mixed bowl of people in your own world. Only WAY better dressed. Shantay Away.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Summer Primer
With Summer upon us, I'd like to point out a few guidelines. You know how I like to help! Here they are in no particular order.
1. Ladies, get a pedicure. Or give yourself one. I'm ok with that too. Just PLEASE do not subject the public to your crusty heels and hairy toes. I know, I know, they've been in boots for a few months. I get it.
2. Guys, unless you look like Charlie Hunnam, or are at the beach, please wear a shirt. (Charlie, if you're reading this, please, no shirts for you.) What am I thinking? All men think they look awesome....in all of their hairy, balding, beer gutted glory. Gals, maybe we should take a page from the man body image book and ease up on ourselves a bit. I digress. On the topic of shirts gentlemen, tank tops are for very casual settings...beach, park, motocross event. Otherwise, please don't subject me to your hairy back, armpits, etc. while I am enjoying my endless soup and salad at the Olive Garden.
3. Bicyclists: Those of you in full cycling regalia and those of you who are normal. Also your kids. Please utilize etiquette and courtesy. Pedestrians have the right of way. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE WALKING THEIR DOG AND YOU ZOOM UP WAYTOOCLOSE AND SCARE HER. I confess to fantasizing about clotheslining your arrogant ass and watching you land like Wile E. Coyote.
4. If you have access to a community pool please make sure your diapered toddler is not leaking. Not all of us think little Brittany is so adorable. Also, I'm all FOR hanging with friends, a few beers and a good time, but I'm AGAINST your loud, foul mouth. Be respectful of those around you who don't want to hear your f-bomb laced diatribe and your ignorant opinions on everything. I'm sure little Brittany's mom would agree.
5. Skateboarders, stay off of the damn sidewalks where people who have jobs and take showers walk. See #3 for possible outcomes.
6. And finally, wear sunscreen. This one is real. Skin cancer is deadly and tans are so New Jersey anyway.
Please share with your friends before a cyclist is injured in a case of Beach Trail Rage. Thanks. Happy Summer (almost!)
Just Dawn
1. Ladies, get a pedicure. Or give yourself one. I'm ok with that too. Just PLEASE do not subject the public to your crusty heels and hairy toes. I know, I know, they've been in boots for a few months. I get it.
2. Guys, unless you look like Charlie Hunnam, or are at the beach, please wear a shirt. (Charlie, if you're reading this, please, no shirts for you.) What am I thinking? All men think they look awesome....in all of their hairy, balding, beer gutted glory. Gals, maybe we should take a page from the man body image book and ease up on ourselves a bit. I digress. On the topic of shirts gentlemen, tank tops are for very casual settings...beach, park, motocross event. Otherwise, please don't subject me to your hairy back, armpits, etc. while I am enjoying my endless soup and salad at the Olive Garden.
3. Bicyclists: Those of you in full cycling regalia and those of you who are normal. Also your kids. Please utilize etiquette and courtesy. Pedestrians have the right of way. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE WALKING THEIR DOG AND YOU ZOOM UP WAYTOOCLOSE AND SCARE HER. I confess to fantasizing about clotheslining your arrogant ass and watching you land like Wile E. Coyote.
4. If you have access to a community pool please make sure your diapered toddler is not leaking. Not all of us think little Brittany is so adorable. Also, I'm all FOR hanging with friends, a few beers and a good time, but I'm AGAINST your loud, foul mouth. Be respectful of those around you who don't want to hear your f-bomb laced diatribe and your ignorant opinions on everything. I'm sure little Brittany's mom would agree.
5. Skateboarders, stay off of the damn sidewalks where people who have jobs and take showers walk. See #3 for possible outcomes.
6. And finally, wear sunscreen. This one is real. Skin cancer is deadly and tans are so New Jersey anyway.
Please share with your friends before a cyclist is injured in a case of Beach Trail Rage. Thanks. Happy Summer (almost!)
Just Dawn
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
NOT for guys
Bra shopping.
Thanks guys, for tuning in, even though the title was NOT FOR GUYS. But ladies, now that I've said "bra" and "shopping" they're all gone.
First and foremost, I hate when women call their breasts "the girls". I don't know why. It's just....ew. Support me on this. See what I did there?! Haha me.
So, I'm shopping for a strapless bra. Is there anything worse to shop for when you:
1. Are not an A cup.
2. Have natural breasts.
3. Are over 40
Reading reviews, looking at top contenders in the strapless D+ category....ugh.
Found the holy grail of strapless bras for busty girls! It's the top rated! It's a brand I already wear and love! It's pricey...It's $40 a boob. Ugh again.
For a bra I'll wear twice a year? No ladies, you're right. I have to have one. A perfect one. I'm sure this is it. The internet said so.
Tomorrow I'm going unicorn shopping.
Just Dawn
Thanks guys, for tuning in, even though the title was NOT FOR GUYS. But ladies, now that I've said "bra" and "shopping" they're all gone.
First and foremost, I hate when women call their breasts "the girls". I don't know why. It's just....ew. Support me on this. See what I did there?! Haha me.
So, I'm shopping for a strapless bra. Is there anything worse to shop for when you:
1. Are not an A cup.
2. Have natural breasts.
3. Are over 40
Reading reviews, looking at top contenders in the strapless D+ category....ugh.
Found the holy grail of strapless bras for busty girls! It's the top rated! It's a brand I already wear and love! It's pricey...It's $40 a boob. Ugh again.
For a bra I'll wear twice a year? No ladies, you're right. I have to have one. A perfect one. I'm sure this is it. The internet said so.
Tomorrow I'm going unicorn shopping.
Just Dawn
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Grammy Meh
Open the show with ACDC!!! F YEAHHHHHH!!!
I love LL Cool J. Same hat doe, bro??
T SWIZZLE!!!
Sam Smith…nerdy makes good. Yay you, dude.
Jessie J, how can you stand on the stage with Tom Jones in that monstrosity of a dress? UGH. you guys, her boobs look like pancakes. Hate. Fire your stylist.
Pharrell’s shorts are the equivalent of his hat last year. So, yeah. Bow tie, on point.
Did Kanye just get done at fitness 19?
Madonna!!! Living for love….The OG brought it. As only she can. Looked better than the last few times Ive seen her. Love the finger waves, girl.
Wait, what happened to your voice Madge when you went live?
Im a little bored here peeps….
I hope it gets better…..
Bey, your hair never looked better. No one loves you like i do, girl.
Who's the ginger? #wheresdavegrohl #wheresbilliejoe?
ELO. Junior high Dawn is stressing over the dance.
Im in Maroon 5! What’s your name? Not Adam Levine. Oh, that guy.
Gwen is my spirit animal. Her dress is what id like to be buried in.
Where’s the rock act? I see you, Dave Grohl….
Hozier….(Kenny G hair?)
I show you my sins and you sharpen your knife….I can relate!
(I could TAG people in this!)
(Katy Perry’s Cover Girl ad was the highlight of the Grammys so far.)
PSA…good, but?
Ok, segway to song….Is that ok?…
But…. I love Katy.
This performance, powerful. beautiful. LOVE the shadow dancers.
(Where do you freaking apply for that? No, I’m serious.)
Katy. Wow. the white cape dress, wow. You, wow.
Ok, where is the rock act?
Let’s all agree that Annie Lennox is the coolest white woman ever and I won’t have to shank you in the calf.
Tony and Gaga. Color me excited!!
Heaven, I’m in heaven…
Tony B, you still got it man.
LADY Gaga, I love you so much and this is your sweet spot, sista!!
(Michelle, please suck it, bc Gaga was ON POINT. Don’t fight it.)
Keith Urbans ponytail is SO LAME. What is he thinking? Did he get tired of being cute and relevant?
Country blah blah country….
Rhi!! Ok, big all star jam…
Rhianna, Kanye, and…Sir Paul? It’s weird for me, dawg.
*Crowd shot of dude with afro pick in his hair. awesome.*
(Ok, Rick went to bed.)
Were is the rock act? Hell, I’ll take a kick ass DJ. At least last year they ad Avicii and Daft Punk.
Hopefully Juannes is better than all of those Country people. Odelay…
K.
WHERE’S THE ROCK ACT??
Ok, just heard the rest of the line up. Ok, my girl Beyonce, but you guys….Prince…WHERE’S THE ROCK ACT??
Dang. Color me sad, Grammys. Sure I loved Katy and T Swift and Gaga but this year was just meh for me dawg.
Im going to bed. I will dream about Muse and the Foo Fighters. Imagine Dragons and Arctic Monkeys. I’m sure the Killers are ROCKING THE SHIT out of somewhere right now. But thanks Grammys, for all the Kanye I could stomach and more country than I could bear.
These opinions are brought to you by Dawn only. But I’m pretty sure Michelle is coming along…
Love and Grammys,
just Dawn
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Top 10 Reasons Insomnia is Awesome
1. Getting lost song lyrics stuck in your head. Tonight's offering: Ooh la la do wah diddy, girl I got the key to the city. Ooh la la do wah diddy, can we go somewhere an get busyyy?
2. Crazy thoughts. What if Ruby had pink gossamer wings and a tiara?
3. Doubt and fear. I should update my resume in case I get fired, and I should probably spend some time checking symptoms on Web MD.
4. Facebook stalking. I'm looking at you, kid I knew in 5th grade.
5. I should eat something.
6. Listening for weird noises.
7. Wishing for shooting stars.
8. Brilliant business ideas that I should write down. Tonight: Dog Ice Cream Food Truck.
9. Stressing. Tonight: money, health, kids, dog, weird mole, relationships, friends, family, responsibilities, future, past, aging, hair, sleeping, early onset Alzheimer's, weight, global warming, and endangered species.
10. Candy Crush level 327. Ugh.
2. Crazy thoughts. What if Ruby had pink gossamer wings and a tiara?
3. Doubt and fear. I should update my resume in case I get fired, and I should probably spend some time checking symptoms on Web MD.
4. Facebook stalking. I'm looking at you, kid I knew in 5th grade.
5. I should eat something.
6. Listening for weird noises.
7. Wishing for shooting stars.
8. Brilliant business ideas that I should write down. Tonight: Dog Ice Cream Food Truck.
9. Stressing. Tonight: money, health, kids, dog, weird mole, relationships, friends, family, responsibilities, future, past, aging, hair, sleeping, early onset Alzheimer's, weight, global warming, and endangered species.
10. Candy Crush level 327. Ugh.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Truth in Advertising
You Guys...loyal readers, aka mine and Michelle's moms....I am crying out, no...DEMANDING a little truth in advertising. Not for any altruistic reason, oh no, but for funny.....you know me.
Jack in the Box. I respect you. You are true to your brand. Am I revolted by you? Am I incensed by your portrayal of young, beautiful women? Does your food SUCK? All yes. And a big HOWEVER here...you know your audience...18-28 year old horny stoner guys. I feel you, JITB. I do. You know your brand. I am not your market. I am not your customer, so I get why your commercials do not feature low carb options, dark, leafy greens, and David Beckham.
Here's what I'd like: MORE companies like JITB. Be honest, please. My list, and Madison Avenue, call me, Dahlings....
Visene. Can we PLEASE market Visene to stoners? Helloooo, Viseneeeee...yeah, like you never thought of it. Scenario: Cop pulls over carload of pot smoking surfers, with bags of Del Taco. (Tie-in, anyone!??) Officer: "Gentlemen, Have you been drinking, or anything? " Dudes: "No way, bro, look at our EYES." Officer: "Good golly, friends, your eyes are bright and clear! You are free to go!"
*Visene flies off of shelves*
You're welcome, Visene.
First Response Pregnancy Test. FRPT, until I see a commercial with two people high fiving, and doing a celebratory shot over a negative result, I will NEVER believe in you.
Feminine products. Until you do a tie in with tequila and M&Ms, I do not believe your claims. We are NOT frolicking in white pants on the back of a horse. We are NOT swimming with a big confident smile on our face. We are NOT hiking and doing taekwondo. We are pissed. We are angry. Our uteruses are being evil minions of satan, spewing blood and evil at the prospect of NOT being pregnant. (Jeez, we can't win!) STOP smiling on your commercials, being excited about "Wings". STOP printing "encouraging messages" on MAXI PADS. "Have a happy period" just pisses me off. I'd loved to have been in on that marketing meeting... HAVEAHAPPYPERIOD???? Are you KIDDING???
Here area few more in brief, and I'd love to hear yours:
Laundry commercials showing a happy soccer mom gleefully washing gross soccer laundry.
Kids ecstatic over shitty cereal.
Olive Garden...presenting awful food as good. (Also insert: Red Lobster, Chilis, TGI Fridays, and Sizzler. Serving middle America since 19-o-gross.
Mini vans. Oh man, how hard must it be to make mini vans look appealing? Truth in advertising/mini vans: Have you just given up? Did you USED to be cool, but now have SO MANY KIDS that cool is impossible? Yeah, we already knew, because...minivan. #sorrybro
Add yours here....
And thanks readers (moms)
Just Dawn
Jack in the Box. I respect you. You are true to your brand. Am I revolted by you? Am I incensed by your portrayal of young, beautiful women? Does your food SUCK? All yes. And a big HOWEVER here...you know your audience...18-28 year old horny stoner guys. I feel you, JITB. I do. You know your brand. I am not your market. I am not your customer, so I get why your commercials do not feature low carb options, dark, leafy greens, and David Beckham.
Here's what I'd like: MORE companies like JITB. Be honest, please. My list, and Madison Avenue, call me, Dahlings....
Visene. Can we PLEASE market Visene to stoners? Helloooo, Viseneeeee...yeah, like you never thought of it. Scenario: Cop pulls over carload of pot smoking surfers, with bags of Del Taco. (Tie-in, anyone!??) Officer: "Gentlemen, Have you been drinking, or anything? " Dudes: "No way, bro, look at our EYES." Officer: "Good golly, friends, your eyes are bright and clear! You are free to go!"
*Visene flies off of shelves*
You're welcome, Visene.
First Response Pregnancy Test. FRPT, until I see a commercial with two people high fiving, and doing a celebratory shot over a negative result, I will NEVER believe in you.
Feminine products. Until you do a tie in with tequila and M&Ms, I do not believe your claims. We are NOT frolicking in white pants on the back of a horse. We are NOT swimming with a big confident smile on our face. We are NOT hiking and doing taekwondo. We are pissed. We are angry. Our uteruses are being evil minions of satan, spewing blood and evil at the prospect of NOT being pregnant. (Jeez, we can't win!) STOP smiling on your commercials, being excited about "Wings". STOP printing "encouraging messages" on MAXI PADS. "Have a happy period" just pisses me off. I'd loved to have been in on that marketing meeting... HAVEAHAPPYPERIOD???? Are you KIDDING???
Here area few more in brief, and I'd love to hear yours:
Laundry commercials showing a happy soccer mom gleefully washing gross soccer laundry.
Kids ecstatic over shitty cereal.
Olive Garden...presenting awful food as good. (Also insert: Red Lobster, Chilis, TGI Fridays, and Sizzler. Serving middle America since 19-o-gross.
Mini vans. Oh man, how hard must it be to make mini vans look appealing? Truth in advertising/mini vans: Have you just given up? Did you USED to be cool, but now have SO MANY KIDS that cool is impossible? Yeah, we already knew, because...minivan. #sorrybro
Add yours here....
And thanks readers (moms)
Just Dawn
Monday, January 27, 2014
Grammys!!!
Be warned...if you read this blog at all, you know that I have unpredictable taste in music. Nevermind the previous statement, what was I thinking?.... The only person who reads this is my mom and she doesn't know anything about music post Elvis.
That to be said, here is my opinionated opinion about the 2014 Grammy Awards. I have provided hashtags so that you may tweet these musings at your leisure. You're welcome.
Beyonce. doesn't anyone wear pants in pop music anymore? I mean girl, you know I love you, and you rock lingerie like no other, but pants. PS. Your hair tonight...no. #pantsplease
I love you LL Cool J!!! Same hat though bro? #mamasaidknockyouout
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I love a Cinderella story! I also LOVE giant houndstooth skinny suits and green velour. So MUCH!! #iwearyourgrandadsclothes
Kudos to Lourde to being the anti-Taylor Swift. She looked supes uncomfortable though. #gothdiva #tigersonagoldleash #queenbee
The Grammys are older than me. Yay. You look great FOR YOUR AGE, Grammys. #worstcomplimentever #ihaveissues
#DAFFFFTPUNKKKK!!!!
Anna Faris (presenter) #datDRESS (If you missed it, Google it ladies!!! Swoon!!)
Katy. Oooh, I love dark Katy, but the Cirque du Soleil dancers were distracting. Do NOT take my eyes away from my pop princess for one second please. #girlcrush
Is Robin Thicke playing with Chicago to bring some class back to his act post Miley? And by class, do we trot out some old arena rock dinosaurs? Ok no, that wasn't fair...Chicago's horn section is amazing. But really. #chicagosauraus #chiteritops #JKchicagothebeatlesarewayold
Hey...John Legend has on a shirt. And apparently, pants. AND he's playing an instrument. do you hear me, Bey? And Pink? #backtobasics #clothesarebasic
Pat Smear! You just won a freaking Grammy award! STOP chomping on your gum like a camel! Ugh. #gross #dudeyoureontv
Rick, please stop talking to me while TSwift is on. (She also wore clothes tonight.) #imnotreallyateenager #singinghersongsinmyhairbrush
Dawn fact: I am a huge sucker for Pink's Just Give Me a Reason. #crylikeagirl
"Anme thlah huneew aghh" ~ Ozzy Osbourne #WTH? #blacksabbath13
Hey Grammys, you're honoring the Beatles NOW? The last 50 years, no, but NOW? Never thought of it? Huh. That seems like a miss, big deal music awards show. Who's next year, The Everly Brothers? Somebody get Ringo his Metamucil. Jeez. You look good though Ringo FOR YOUR AGE. #JPGR4ever
Thankfully Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons brought the energy back to the room. Woah!! Dawn fact #2: This was my personal highlight of the evening even though I adore Daft Punk and stayed up past 10:00 to see them. #vegas #compton #istayeduplate
Oh wow. This country girl. Kasey Musgraves. While I know ZERO ZERO ZERO about country music, I do know star quality when I see it and when you combine that with kitsch and neon cacti and LIGHT UP BOOTS, you maam, have won over a new fan. #makelotsofnoise #kisslotsofboys
Catchy, Sir Paul. I'm just having some trouble getting on the geriatric rock bus....it's me, not you. Obvi. #soundslikewings #JPGR4ever
Thanks CBS for the obligatory shot of Yoko dancing to Paul's song...we all know she ruined the Beatles. We haven't forgotten. #JPGR4life
Pharrell. Congratulations on being brilliant. Please lose the Jed Clampett hat. Otherwise, I just bask in your awesomeness.
Stevie Wonder with Daft Punk, Pharrell, and Nile Rodgers!! I am WAY too happy about this!! I adore the sort of late 70s early 80s new wavey vibe to this song that no matter what you do, you cannot remove it from your head once it gets stuck. Well done gentlemen and robots!!! #getlucky #robots #france
I didn't stay up to see Billie Joe Armstrong rock the stage as well as his guyliner, but I will confidently report that he was amazeballs.
If you agree or disagree with me I'd love to start a courteous music dialogue.
Happy Grammys people!!!
just Dawn
That to be said, here is my opinionated opinion about the 2014 Grammy Awards. I have provided hashtags so that you may tweet these musings at your leisure. You're welcome.
Beyonce. doesn't anyone wear pants in pop music anymore? I mean girl, you know I love you, and you rock lingerie like no other, but pants. PS. Your hair tonight...no. #pantsplease
I love you LL Cool J!!! Same hat though bro? #mamasaidknockyouout
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I love a Cinderella story! I also LOVE giant houndstooth skinny suits and green velour. So MUCH!! #iwearyourgrandadsclothes
Kudos to Lourde to being the anti-Taylor Swift. She looked supes uncomfortable though. #gothdiva #tigersonagoldleash #queenbee
The Grammys are older than me. Yay. You look great FOR YOUR AGE, Grammys. #worstcomplimentever #ihaveissues
#DAFFFFTPUNKKKK!!!!
Anna Faris (presenter) #datDRESS (If you missed it, Google it ladies!!! Swoon!!)
Katy. Oooh, I love dark Katy, but the Cirque du Soleil dancers were distracting. Do NOT take my eyes away from my pop princess for one second please. #girlcrush
Is Robin Thicke playing with Chicago to bring some class back to his act post Miley? And by class, do we trot out some old arena rock dinosaurs? Ok no, that wasn't fair...Chicago's horn section is amazing. But really. #chicagosauraus #chiteritops #JKchicagothebeatlesarewayold
Hey...John Legend has on a shirt. And apparently, pants. AND he's playing an instrument. do you hear me, Bey? And Pink? #backtobasics #clothesarebasic
Pat Smear! You just won a freaking Grammy award! STOP chomping on your gum like a camel! Ugh. #gross #dudeyoureontv
Rick, please stop talking to me while TSwift is on. (She also wore clothes tonight.) #imnotreallyateenager #singinghersongsinmyhairbrush
Dawn fact: I am a huge sucker for Pink's Just Give Me a Reason. #crylikeagirl
"Anme thlah huneew aghh" ~ Ozzy Osbourne #WTH? #blacksabbath13
Hey Grammys, you're honoring the Beatles NOW? The last 50 years, no, but NOW? Never thought of it? Huh. That seems like a miss, big deal music awards show. Who's next year, The Everly Brothers? Somebody get Ringo his Metamucil. Jeez. You look good though Ringo FOR YOUR AGE. #JPGR4ever
Thankfully Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons brought the energy back to the room. Woah!! Dawn fact #2: This was my personal highlight of the evening even though I adore Daft Punk and stayed up past 10:00 to see them. #vegas #compton #istayeduplate
Oh wow. This country girl. Kasey Musgraves. While I know ZERO ZERO ZERO about country music, I do know star quality when I see it and when you combine that with kitsch and neon cacti and LIGHT UP BOOTS, you maam, have won over a new fan. #makelotsofnoise #kisslotsofboys
Catchy, Sir Paul. I'm just having some trouble getting on the geriatric rock bus....it's me, not you. Obvi. #soundslikewings #JPGR4ever
Thanks CBS for the obligatory shot of Yoko dancing to Paul's song...we all know she ruined the Beatles. We haven't forgotten. #JPGR4life
Pharrell. Congratulations on being brilliant. Please lose the Jed Clampett hat. Otherwise, I just bask in your awesomeness.
Stevie Wonder with Daft Punk, Pharrell, and Nile Rodgers!! I am WAY too happy about this!! I adore the sort of late 70s early 80s new wavey vibe to this song that no matter what you do, you cannot remove it from your head once it gets stuck. Well done gentlemen and robots!!! #getlucky #robots #france
I didn't stay up to see Billie Joe Armstrong rock the stage as well as his guyliner, but I will confidently report that he was amazeballs.
If you agree or disagree with me I'd love to start a courteous music dialogue.
Happy Grammys people!!!
just Dawn
Monday, December 30, 2013
OMGsh Dawn...cleanse!
(Read to the tune of "Royals")
But every meal is like cup cakes, nut fudge, butter in the pound cake
cookies, cheesecake, real vanilla, not fake
We don't care, we're eaten' spinach dip all day
But everybody's like hot choc, whip cream, butter on your pancakes
turkey, gravy, cookies oh for gosh sakes
We don't care...we are caught up in a food affair
And well never be skinnnny (skinny)
it don't run in our blood
Discipline just ain't for us
We crave a sugar kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler (ruler)
You can call me Creme Bruleeee
and baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule...
Let me live fat fantasy....
Ugh....
Holiday cleanse....
just Dawn
But every meal is like cup cakes, nut fudge, butter in the pound cake
cookies, cheesecake, real vanilla, not fake
We don't care, we're eaten' spinach dip all day
But everybody's like hot choc, whip cream, butter on your pancakes
turkey, gravy, cookies oh for gosh sakes
We don't care...we are caught up in a food affair
And well never be skinnnny (skinny)
it don't run in our blood
Discipline just ain't for us
We crave a sugar kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler (ruler)
You can call me Creme Bruleeee
and baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule...
Let me live fat fantasy....
Ugh....
Holiday cleanse....
just Dawn
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Halloween Humbug
You guys, usually I ADORE Halloween! I love spooky, sparkly, costumey, candy, and FUN-ness. Call me Hallow-eh. This year I am disappointed and I'm sure you're dying to know why:
I get no trick or treaters on my street. You'd have to be an Olympic athlete to want to hike the 45 degree incline that is Presidio. Dumbest street ever. No kids even play out there. Wait....maybe that's an upside.... DEF, but not on Halloween. I will sit here with my sad small bag of Snickers JUSTINCASE. No one will come. I hate Snickers.
My son is grown up. Parents of cute little goblins and clowns and superheroes, enjoy this. It's so great. I know I profess to be a great kid hater, but I wasn't some kind of Stepford mom, jeez. Little Johnny and I had fun back in the day. Little J's costumes circa birth to 7yo: Elvis. Yep. Full on white satin jumpsuit, gold cape, and a belt that looked like he had to pin someone for it. No, it's not child abuse, it's just AWESOME. Skunk, scarecrow, devil, Indiana Jones, little clown. All lovingly crafted by his grandma. It was SO GREAT before he turned into a little boy who wanted to be bloody and creepy and have gruesome masks, fake blood, and scythes. Well, that was fun too, really.....
Sluts are Us. YOU GUYS!! WHY is every female costume "sexy"? Why can't we choose from cops or firefighters, or nurses or even DISNEY PRINCESSES without it being a skinfest??? I'm not prude ladies, but I have seen sexy costumes for little girls! Color me outraged!! It's bad enough that as adults we parade our sexuality like its a commodity...and a cheap one at that. But to hand that down to our little girls is disgraceful. Ok, off my soapbox. Just please, please, ladies, creativity over sexuality. And if your baby is a "sexy" mermaid, I might kick you in the neck. Ugh. PS...note to guys, please stop living out your cross dressing fantasies on Halloween. You're not fooling anyone.
Miley costumes...oh I just can't even. Everyone, just let Miley's foolishness die a quiet death. PS. I secretly love Wrecking Ball. The song, not the video. www.nofoamfinger.org
So this year I dub myself Halloween Grinch. Bah Boo-bug! Maybe I'll just go watch Jack Skellington and call it a night....
Just Dawn
I get no trick or treaters on my street. You'd have to be an Olympic athlete to want to hike the 45 degree incline that is Presidio. Dumbest street ever. No kids even play out there. Wait....maybe that's an upside.... DEF, but not on Halloween. I will sit here with my sad small bag of Snickers JUSTINCASE. No one will come. I hate Snickers.
My son is grown up. Parents of cute little goblins and clowns and superheroes, enjoy this. It's so great. I know I profess to be a great kid hater, but I wasn't some kind of Stepford mom, jeez. Little Johnny and I had fun back in the day. Little J's costumes circa birth to 7yo: Elvis. Yep. Full on white satin jumpsuit, gold cape, and a belt that looked like he had to pin someone for it. No, it's not child abuse, it's just AWESOME. Skunk, scarecrow, devil, Indiana Jones, little clown. All lovingly crafted by his grandma. It was SO GREAT before he turned into a little boy who wanted to be bloody and creepy and have gruesome masks, fake blood, and scythes. Well, that was fun too, really.....
Sluts are Us. YOU GUYS!! WHY is every female costume "sexy"? Why can't we choose from cops or firefighters, or nurses or even DISNEY PRINCESSES without it being a skinfest??? I'm not prude ladies, but I have seen sexy costumes for little girls! Color me outraged!! It's bad enough that as adults we parade our sexuality like its a commodity...and a cheap one at that. But to hand that down to our little girls is disgraceful. Ok, off my soapbox. Just please, please, ladies, creativity over sexuality. And if your baby is a "sexy" mermaid, I might kick you in the neck. Ugh. PS...note to guys, please stop living out your cross dressing fantasies on Halloween. You're not fooling anyone.
Miley costumes...oh I just can't even. Everyone, just let Miley's foolishness die a quiet death. PS. I secretly love Wrecking Ball. The song, not the video. www.nofoamfinger.org
So this year I dub myself Halloween Grinch. Bah Boo-bug! Maybe I'll just go watch Jack Skellington and call it a night....
Just Dawn
Monday, September 23, 2013
My Legs are Bored
Yesterday was the first official day of Fall. I had a friend's baby shower to go to, and I was utterly baffled by how I should dress based on the heat and the bright sun looking for attention like some prepubescent boy making fart noises to remind us all that he's still around.
Do I wear something bright and colorful and milk that coral color for all it's worth? Or, do I abide by the calendar (and my enjoyment of Fall clothes) and go for something in dark tones and thick materials? *Sigh*. Life.
I'll tell you what I really wanted to wear: TIGHTS!
Tights. Those wonderful, happy accessories for your legs that come out every Fall and continue to keep our boots and skirts company until Winter is over.
Oh, the choices! Ribbed, patterned, layered, colored.... Not to mention the benefit of letting your razor hibernate until Spring. (Resulting in legs that could be mistaken for those other things that really should be hibernating.)
My legs have been bored. I can tell. They've been glancing at the part of my closet where my tights are stored, silently longing for the only fun they get to have. (Because I'm not the anklet type. And I would hope that wouldn't surprise anyone.) They can't wait to sport my purple houndstooth tights, or the mustard yellow tights that my legs told me I should buy. Immediately.
So, today I defied the current sunny Southern California weather and just went for it: Navy tights with boots. We're a whole day past the first official day of Fall, people. I'd say it's high time that tights got their day in the sun.
Sorry. No. "In the gray and cold." That's what kind of day goes with tights.
Do I wear something bright and colorful and milk that coral color for all it's worth? Or, do I abide by the calendar (and my enjoyment of Fall clothes) and go for something in dark tones and thick materials? *Sigh*. Life.
I'll tell you what I really wanted to wear: TIGHTS!
Tights. Those wonderful, happy accessories for your legs that come out every Fall and continue to keep our boots and skirts company until Winter is over.
Oh, the choices! Ribbed, patterned, layered, colored.... Not to mention the benefit of letting your razor hibernate until Spring. (Resulting in legs that could be mistaken for those other things that really should be hibernating.)
My legs have been bored. I can tell. They've been glancing at the part of my closet where my tights are stored, silently longing for the only fun they get to have. (Because I'm not the anklet type. And I would hope that wouldn't surprise anyone.) They can't wait to sport my purple houndstooth tights, or the mustard yellow tights that my legs told me I should buy. Immediately.
So, today I defied the current sunny Southern California weather and just went for it: Navy tights with boots. We're a whole day past the first official day of Fall, people. I'd say it's high time that tights got their day in the sun.
Sorry. No. "In the gray and cold." That's what kind of day goes with tights.
Monday, August 26, 2013
VMAs. Or, Miley Put Your Tongue Away.
I adore awards shows. So much to judge, so little time. Here's a quick list:
VMAs, do music videos actually exist in the post apocalypse? (1981-1990)
Justin Timberlake. I felt a litte ripped off by the meager bone you threw your bandmates from NSYNC, but there is no denying your awesomeness. No, I don't listen to him much, you guys, but he did an athletic 20 minutes last night without breaking a sweat. Sure, he's no Michael Jackson, but that's ok...I dig you JT.
Last night I went to a KANYE restaurant. I had KANYE and then for KANYE I had some KANYE KANYE. I sat next to KANYE and KANYED KANYELY all night. A KANYE time was had by KANYE.~ Kanye West filling out a Mad Lib
Is there a more narccistic human on the planet? Listen Mr. Kardashian, the R & B greats that have come before you and paved the way for your incomrehensible success, are rolling in their graves. Even posthumously, they also have more soul, talent, and class in their dry bones than you possess. Ugh.
TSwift. I channeled my inner teenage girl and thouroughly enjoyed EVERYTHING about you!! Squeeeee! The navy dress, red lips, fab fab fab. I die.
Daft Punk. WHY DID YOU PRESENT AND NOT PERFORM? NOT lucky. (See what I did there?)
Miley. Oh Miley, Miley, Miley. I feel like your attempt to be outrageous is your THING, as opposed to your actual music career. Don't get me wrong baby girl, I love you, but if you were my daughter I'd turn you over my knee and give you a spanking. And about that, lovey, do some squats.
The foam finger got to 3rd base with you ON TV. Also, no one wants to see a pretty girl look yukky. Lose the broke down Gwen Stefani wannabe look and stop doing things you will be embarassed about when you are an actual grownup. Like the tongue thing. It looked like a reptile in your mouth. I speak from experience. I was your age in 1984, for the love of spandex. Ask Xtina how the whole Im-not-a-sweet-Disney-girl-look-I'll-prove-it thing worked out for her. Muah.
Gaga does what Gaga does. I feel like she puts a bunch of glue on herself and rolls around and what ever sticks is the outfit. Great opening to this particular show though. Applause. <----i again.="" did="" font="" it="">
Katy Perry. I missed Katy. *sadface* But I saw that she wore grills. Uh...grills, Katy? Please see the Miley comment about pretty girls uglying up with a fashion statement that Flav A Flav rocked for goodness' sake!!
VMAs, In referenc to my first question, does anyone make rock music (videos) in 2013?
just Dawn
VMAs, do music videos actually exist in the post apocalypse? (1981-1990)
Justin Timberlake. I felt a litte ripped off by the meager bone you threw your bandmates from NSYNC, but there is no denying your awesomeness. No, I don't listen to him much, you guys, but he did an athletic 20 minutes last night without breaking a sweat. Sure, he's no Michael Jackson, but that's ok...I dig you JT.
Last night I went to a KANYE restaurant. I had KANYE and then for KANYE I had some KANYE KANYE. I sat next to KANYE and KANYED KANYELY all night. A KANYE time was had by KANYE.~ Kanye West filling out a Mad Lib
Is there a more narccistic human on the planet? Listen Mr. Kardashian, the R & B greats that have come before you and paved the way for your incomrehensible success, are rolling in their graves. Even posthumously, they also have more soul, talent, and class in their dry bones than you possess. Ugh.
TSwift. I channeled my inner teenage girl and thouroughly enjoyed EVERYTHING about you!! Squeeeee! The navy dress, red lips, fab fab fab. I die.
Daft Punk. WHY DID YOU PRESENT AND NOT PERFORM? NOT lucky. (See what I did there?)
Miley. Oh Miley, Miley, Miley. I feel like your attempt to be outrageous is your THING, as opposed to your actual music career. Don't get me wrong baby girl, I love you, but if you were my daughter I'd turn you over my knee and give you a spanking. And about that, lovey, do some squats.
The foam finger got to 3rd base with you ON TV. Also, no one wants to see a pretty girl look yukky. Lose the broke down Gwen Stefani wannabe look and stop doing things you will be embarassed about when you are an actual grownup. Like the tongue thing. It looked like a reptile in your mouth. I speak from experience. I was your age in 1984, for the love of spandex. Ask Xtina how the whole Im-not-a-sweet-Disney-girl-look-I'll-prove-it thing worked out for her. Muah.
Gaga does what Gaga does. I feel like she puts a bunch of glue on herself and rolls around and what ever sticks is the outfit. Great opening to this particular show though. Applause. <----i again.="" did="" font="" it="">
Katy Perry. I missed Katy. *sadface* But I saw that she wore grills. Uh...grills, Katy? Please see the Miley comment about pretty girls uglying up with a fashion statement that Flav A Flav rocked for goodness' sake!!
VMAs, In referenc to my first question, does anyone make rock music (videos) in 2013?
just Dawn
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Being Lazy Pays off in This Case
I'm fully aware that this blog should no longer be considered "Dawn and Michelle's Blog." (Sad face emoticon) Let's be honest: There's really only one of us who is committed to this thing.
Well, my heart is committed; it's just the doing part that has commitment issues.
So, in a valiant effort to rally myself to write something...... I've decided to copy and paste some of Dawn's best material onto this post. (I'm easing my way back into the coming up with stuff to write about part of writing.)
In case you hadn't noticed (which really just means you've never read our blog), Dawn's kind of a creative genius when it comes to cleverness. So, enjoy this extra special edition of our (Dawn's) blog.
*She doesn't know I'm doing this. But I doubt she'll mind; she handles attention pretty well.
All I'm saying is that you never see Nicki Minaj and E.T. in the same room.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She's the only female mouse that Mickey knows. Pressure's off girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.
Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in the Karate Kid where Daniels Mom was like, "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
Hey guy driving the Astrovan...you don't need the stick figures depicting you family on the back. No one is mistaking you for a player. Because minivan.
I only want to see your ultrasound photo if you're having a velociraptor.
BREAKING NEWS! 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities report that injuries happened because they were RUNNING WITH BULLS.
Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't know what's going to happen
I noticed today that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
I just watched Ruby chase her tail for 10 minutes, thought "dang, she's so easily entertained!" Then realized that I watched Ruby chase her tail for 10 minutes.
If you receive an email that says "FREE NICKI MINAJ CONCERT TICKETS" don't open it. It may contain free Nicki Minaj concert tickets.
Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
I carry a knife but it's just in case of cake.
Ooh! It's Oscar night! What to wear!? Oh yeah....same thing as last year. Sweatpants and a teal Snuggie. #notfamous
Well, my heart is committed; it's just the doing part that has commitment issues.
So, in a valiant effort to rally myself to write something...... I've decided to copy and paste some of Dawn's best material onto this post. (I'm easing my way back into the coming up with stuff to write about part of writing.)
In case you hadn't noticed (which really just means you've never read our blog), Dawn's kind of a creative genius when it comes to cleverness. So, enjoy this extra special edition of our (Dawn's) blog.
*She doesn't know I'm doing this. But I doubt she'll mind; she handles attention pretty well.
All I'm saying is that you never see Nicki Minaj and E.T. in the same room.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She's the only female mouse that Mickey knows. Pressure's off girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.
Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in the Karate Kid where Daniels Mom was like, "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
Hey guy driving the Astrovan...you don't need the stick figures depicting you family on the back. No one is mistaking you for a player. Because minivan.
I only want to see your ultrasound photo if you're having a velociraptor.
BREAKING NEWS! 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities report that injuries happened because they were RUNNING WITH BULLS.
Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't know what's going to happen
I noticed today that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
I just watched Ruby chase her tail for 10 minutes, thought "dang, she's so easily entertained!" Then realized that I watched Ruby chase her tail for 10 minutes.
If you receive an email that says "FREE NICKI MINAJ CONCERT TICKETS" don't open it. It may contain free Nicki Minaj concert tickets.
Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
I carry a knife but it's just in case of cake.
Ooh! It's Oscar night! What to wear!? Oh yeah....same thing as last year. Sweatpants and a teal Snuggie. #notfamous
Thursday, May 2, 2013
I Try to Sound Smart in this One. It Goes Badly.
Pretty much the only reason I'm writing a new post is because I have "writing music" on right now that I'm willing to inspire me. Well, that and also because the other day Dawn mentioned something about our blog and I responded with, "Wait. Hold on. We have a blog?" Honestly, I was glad she reminded me. But, just so everyone knows, I take all the blame for my neglect and inconsistency. I think that's pretty big of me.
So, in turning over a new leaf (the leaf being this one post right here), I'm writing. Something. Not quite sure yet where this is going, but I'm looking forward to a wild ride of stops and starts and deletes and the technological version of angrily crumpling up pieces of paper (that's when you close your laptop really, really hard) and other exciting moments in a writer's (I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even tried to slip that in there. "Blogger" is what I meant to say) life.
Because I'm looking for "easy" and "less work rather than more" as the themes for this post, I thought I'd start with the stylistic literary device known as "stream of consciousness." Or, "my pointless & meandering train of thought." You can go ahead and call it that when you want to relate to the masses who haven't read "Mrs. Dalloway." (Which, let's be honest, is pretty much the only book that anyone knows about that was written in this style.)
So, here's a glimpse into my own (sad) stream of consciousness that I experienced a few minutes ago. Be sure you're sitting down for this. (Wait. Actually? Stand up. Or, get in a really uncomfortable position; something that will make it difficult to nod off.)
"This 'Parenthood' playlist is amazing! This is totally the kind of music that a writer would have on in the background while they write the Great American Novel. I can at least write a lame blog post. Dawn would be happy with me. She's at the Killer's show tonight. I'm doing....this. Okay, start writing. Hey, this is going along smoothly! AAAAHHH! Derailed! This laptop is making my thighs feel hot and claustrophobic. I should probably take a break to cool them off. Since I'm up....Trader Joe's popcorn, please. Okay, transferring to the desk. GEEZ, the top of this desk is dirty! That's what I get for buying a glass-top desk. I should get those Windex wipes. Those are brilliant. And I'm probably getting brilliantly ripped off by buying those in their nice, convenient packaging instead of just using paper towels and the bottle of Windex. I should clean the bathroom soon. (Gasp!) Dang! I always forget that when I'm listening to something on Spotify, it's seen by people! People I know! Oh. Phew.... (sigh of relief); this playlist is making me look arty and hip. Unlike that time when I listened to that one Lil' Kim song. Wait. WAIT. DAMMIT! I think that was before I knew about privacy settings!! Man, it's hot! Gross - even my typing fingers feel sticky-sweaty. It's making it too hard to type. I should stop. (Really, Michelle? That's taking the excuse-making a little far, don't you think?) My gosh! I'm boring myself!"
And it went on like that for a little while longer.
So, this was my return to our blog. I know - I'm not proud of it either. But, it's something. Which, if I recall, was all that I said I was going to write anyway. Sooooo, kept that promise.
I'll do better next time. Or, Dawn will do better next time. That's probably more plausible.
So, in turning over a new leaf (the leaf being this one post right here), I'm writing. Something. Not quite sure yet where this is going, but I'm looking forward to a wild ride of stops and starts and deletes and the technological version of angrily crumpling up pieces of paper (that's when you close your laptop really, really hard) and other exciting moments in a writer's (I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even tried to slip that in there. "Blogger" is what I meant to say) life.
Because I'm looking for "easy" and "less work rather than more" as the themes for this post, I thought I'd start with the stylistic literary device known as "stream of consciousness." Or, "my pointless & meandering train of thought." You can go ahead and call it that when you want to relate to the masses who haven't read "Mrs. Dalloway." (Which, let's be honest, is pretty much the only book that anyone knows about that was written in this style.)
So, here's a glimpse into my own (sad) stream of consciousness that I experienced a few minutes ago. Be sure you're sitting down for this. (Wait. Actually? Stand up. Or, get in a really uncomfortable position; something that will make it difficult to nod off.)
"This 'Parenthood' playlist is amazing! This is totally the kind of music that a writer would have on in the background while they write the Great American Novel. I can at least write a lame blog post. Dawn would be happy with me. She's at the Killer's show tonight. I'm doing....this. Okay, start writing. Hey, this is going along smoothly! AAAAHHH! Derailed! This laptop is making my thighs feel hot and claustrophobic. I should probably take a break to cool them off. Since I'm up....Trader Joe's popcorn, please. Okay, transferring to the desk. GEEZ, the top of this desk is dirty! That's what I get for buying a glass-top desk. I should get those Windex wipes. Those are brilliant. And I'm probably getting brilliantly ripped off by buying those in their nice, convenient packaging instead of just using paper towels and the bottle of Windex. I should clean the bathroom soon. (Gasp!) Dang! I always forget that when I'm listening to something on Spotify, it's seen by people! People I know! Oh. Phew.... (sigh of relief); this playlist is making me look arty and hip. Unlike that time when I listened to that one Lil' Kim song. Wait. WAIT. DAMMIT! I think that was before I knew about privacy settings!! Man, it's hot! Gross - even my typing fingers feel sticky-sweaty. It's making it too hard to type. I should stop. (Really, Michelle? That's taking the excuse-making a little far, don't you think?) My gosh! I'm boring myself!"
And it went on like that for a little while longer.
So, this was my return to our blog. I know - I'm not proud of it either. But, it's something. Which, if I recall, was all that I said I was going to write anyway. Sooooo, kept that promise.
I'll do better next time. Or, Dawn will do better next time. That's probably more plausible.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Dog Show Re-deux
Let me preface this article by claiming my undying love and devotion for the 137 year old tradition that is the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Sadly, I know what you're thinking right now. Dog nerd. Whenever I giddily announce that I'm as excited as a Jack Russell to watch 6 hours of dog show over a two day period, you snicker at me. (Meanwhile, you with the smug superiority of someone who has a life, and wouldn't be caught dead wasting it on such frivolity, will happily log 10 thousand hours a year watching baseball, or the Bachelor, or, God forbid, Honey Boo Boo.). I've said my piece.
With that, I offer my suggestions to the WKC planners and programmers, as well as the fine (if not a bit snooty) organization known as the American Kennell Club, to bring our beloved sport (IT IS TOO A SPORT) into the mainstream.
The Handlers: Hire Clinton Kelly and Stacey London to make them over. This is a whole broadcast in itself. Stacey will have those dumpy dog dowagers whipped into shape in no time! AND how fun will it be to see her make them throw their sparkly shapeless skirt suits, chunky man flats, and unflattering leg wear in the trash can?! And the Junior handlers? Clinton please! Show the home schoolers a fashion magazine, for the love of Michael Kors!
The Dogs: They are perfect. However, I'd like to see all pooches under 5 months old. That would be SO FUN! Sure there would be less perfect prancing, but there would be MORE floppy ears, baggy puppy skin, goofy grins, and general puppy mayhem. The dogs are making life way to easy for the ill-attired handlers.
The Announcer: Michael La Fave has been the WKC announcer since 2001. His air of British superiority is practically perfect. He is like the Alex Trebek of the dog show world....we know you have all of the breed info in front of you, so maybe dial down the arragont tone, Mike. Since I love that, we shall keep him, but we will ADD....oh I don't know...Flava Flav. (I'm SURE he's available.)
The Judges: I don't know how we could ever top the level of pomposity that exists in these dusty blowhards, but I suggest Simon Cowell, Nicki Minaj, JLo, and, well, me. THINK about it....JLo gives the show a little street cred, (AND looks fab in formalwear) Nicki brings the cray cray to Madison Square Garden, and Simon and I are perfect foils with our rapier wit. (I TOTALLY imagine him liking all of the little, fluffy, brown eye- booger type dogs. Right?!)
The Production: When the dogs enter the ring, they have music. Like at a boxing match. Some suggestions. The Standard Poodle, Diva by Beyonce. The Afghan? I'm Sexy and I Know It. How about The Mastiff? I say Iron Man by Black Sabbath! Bloodhound? Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. How about the Chinese Crested? Born This Way by Lady Gaga. Chihuahua? Oh this ones easy...La Bamba! Dalmatian? Fire by Jimi Hendrix! Labrador? Eat It by Wierd Al! LOL!!! I could do this all day!!!! Hahaha! (Leave your suggestions in Comments, please, clever friends.)
I offer these suggestions FREE to you Wstminster Kennel Club contingent on my being a judge for the 2014 show. You are so welcome. The dog show world will never be the same....
Just Dawn
With that, I offer my suggestions to the WKC planners and programmers, as well as the fine (if not a bit snooty) organization known as the American Kennell Club, to bring our beloved sport (IT IS TOO A SPORT) into the mainstream.
The Handlers: Hire Clinton Kelly and Stacey London to make them over. This is a whole broadcast in itself. Stacey will have those dumpy dog dowagers whipped into shape in no time! AND how fun will it be to see her make them throw their sparkly shapeless skirt suits, chunky man flats, and unflattering leg wear in the trash can?! And the Junior handlers? Clinton please! Show the home schoolers a fashion magazine, for the love of Michael Kors!
The Dogs: They are perfect. However, I'd like to see all pooches under 5 months old. That would be SO FUN! Sure there would be less perfect prancing, but there would be MORE floppy ears, baggy puppy skin, goofy grins, and general puppy mayhem. The dogs are making life way to easy for the ill-attired handlers.
The Announcer: Michael La Fave has been the WKC announcer since 2001. His air of British superiority is practically perfect. He is like the Alex Trebek of the dog show world....we know you have all of the breed info in front of you, so maybe dial down the arragont tone, Mike. Since I love that, we shall keep him, but we will ADD....oh I don't know...Flava Flav. (I'm SURE he's available.)
The Judges: I don't know how we could ever top the level of pomposity that exists in these dusty blowhards, but I suggest Simon Cowell, Nicki Minaj, JLo, and, well, me. THINK about it....JLo gives the show a little street cred, (AND looks fab in formalwear) Nicki brings the cray cray to Madison Square Garden, and Simon and I are perfect foils with our rapier wit. (I TOTALLY imagine him liking all of the little, fluffy, brown eye- booger type dogs. Right?!)
The Production: When the dogs enter the ring, they have music. Like at a boxing match. Some suggestions. The Standard Poodle, Diva by Beyonce. The Afghan? I'm Sexy and I Know It. How about The Mastiff? I say Iron Man by Black Sabbath! Bloodhound? Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. How about the Chinese Crested? Born This Way by Lady Gaga. Chihuahua? Oh this ones easy...La Bamba! Dalmatian? Fire by Jimi Hendrix! Labrador? Eat It by Wierd Al! LOL!!! I could do this all day!!!! Hahaha! (Leave your suggestions in Comments, please, clever friends.)
I offer these suggestions FREE to you Wstminster Kennel Club contingent on my being a judge for the 2014 show. You are so welcome. The dog show world will never be the same....
Just Dawn
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Petting Zoo Fun!
I should have known that the Petting Zoo in San Juan Capistrano was going to be a laugh riot when I asked Siri "Where is the Petting Zoo?" when I was in San Juan today. Siri replied, politely, "The zoo of petting is very close to where you are now." I feel like she needed some sort of accent to word it this way....(Oh you can just imagine the delight on Rick's face!)
Lets address the obvious question: Why the heck were you at a petting zoo? I needed to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE people! (Recovering from surgery, different story, totally not funny.) So...here are Rick and I at Zoomars Petting Zoo. Me: "YAY!!!" Rick: "It stinks here." Lady at the Entrance: "Do you want admission only, or purchase any animal food?" Rick: "Admission only." Me: "PURCHASE ANIMAL FOOD!! YAY!!"
Here are the funny/ironic/interesting thigs that ensued:
There is a huge dinosaur statue there. Huge. Life size. True to the historical flora and fauna of San Juan Capistrano? Not sure if there were ever any Apatosaurus' roaming SoCal.
The majority of the animals at the Zoo of Petting were, wait for it, Guniea Pigs. Are you kidding me?? Guinea Pigs are rats with a better PR Agency. Think Lindsey Lohan vs. Ke$ha.
There was a Birthday Party/Picnic area. AND it was packed. It smelled like goat shit, ya'll.
Llamas love carrots, a lot, and have hideously poor mouth chewing manners, certainly not enhanced by their lack of dentistry. One of them was very happy to have his matted, stinky neck scratched. Like Ruby, only not as Princess-ey.
The bunnies were largely being chased and tortured by toddlers, so I spotted a beautiful black one trying to evade little Nathan in his cowboy outfit, and I slipped him a fat purple grape. He was grateful. (I would have like to have slipped little Nathan some Prozac.)
The line for the pony rides was depressing. Don't get me started. I may or may not have PETA on the horn as we speak.
I loved the wooly, semi-shorn sheep. I will never understand how people can eat them. Sorry, I know, not the place, just sayin'. They have sweet faces and gentle demeanors. Maybe that's why God chose them to represent His beloved humans in so many ways.
One of my fav moments was Rick conversing with an Ostrich or Emu or something. They had the same hairstyle.
So, all in all, Zoo of Petting excursion was a rousing success! I got out, I got to pet things, feed things, and when I got home, got to perplex my dog with very strange animal smells. It's always funny to see her go from GREETGREETGREET!!!!....to Wait!....What the heck is THAT? SNIFFSNIFFSNIFF.....
It's a happy day when you go to a petting zoo so crappy that the big feature is Guniea Pigs, and you are STILL stoked! My husband loves me.
just Dawn
Lets address the obvious question: Why the heck were you at a petting zoo? I needed to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE people! (Recovering from surgery, different story, totally not funny.) So...here are Rick and I at Zoomars Petting Zoo. Me: "YAY!!!" Rick: "It stinks here." Lady at the Entrance: "Do you want admission only, or purchase any animal food?" Rick: "Admission only." Me: "PURCHASE ANIMAL FOOD!! YAY!!"
Here are the funny/ironic/interesting thigs that ensued:
There is a huge dinosaur statue there. Huge. Life size. True to the historical flora and fauna of San Juan Capistrano? Not sure if there were ever any Apatosaurus' roaming SoCal.
The majority of the animals at the Zoo of Petting were, wait for it, Guniea Pigs. Are you kidding me?? Guinea Pigs are rats with a better PR Agency. Think Lindsey Lohan vs. Ke$ha.
There was a Birthday Party/Picnic area. AND it was packed. It smelled like goat shit, ya'll.
Llamas love carrots, a lot, and have hideously poor mouth chewing manners, certainly not enhanced by their lack of dentistry. One of them was very happy to have his matted, stinky neck scratched. Like Ruby, only not as Princess-ey.
The bunnies were largely being chased and tortured by toddlers, so I spotted a beautiful black one trying to evade little Nathan in his cowboy outfit, and I slipped him a fat purple grape. He was grateful. (I would have like to have slipped little Nathan some Prozac.)
The line for the pony rides was depressing. Don't get me started. I may or may not have PETA on the horn as we speak.
I loved the wooly, semi-shorn sheep. I will never understand how people can eat them. Sorry, I know, not the place, just sayin'. They have sweet faces and gentle demeanors. Maybe that's why God chose them to represent His beloved humans in so many ways.
One of my fav moments was Rick conversing with an Ostrich or Emu or something. They had the same hairstyle.
So, all in all, Zoo of Petting excursion was a rousing success! I got out, I got to pet things, feed things, and when I got home, got to perplex my dog with very strange animal smells. It's always funny to see her go from GREETGREETGREET!!!!....to Wait!....What the heck is THAT? SNIFFSNIFFSNIFF.....
It's a happy day when you go to a petting zoo so crappy that the big feature is Guniea Pigs, and you are STILL stoked! My husband loves me.
just Dawn
Monday, November 26, 2012
I'm Sexy and I Know It. by: Dawns Spine
Hi Blog Fans, (You know, Dawn and Michelle's Moms)
It's me, Dawns amazing Spine. It has occurred to me of late, that the hair, the smile, the face, the skin, get ALL of the attention! They don't do CRAP compared to me! PLUS, they get all the glory! "Oh Dawn, you look so youthful!". You know what I get?...."Oh Dawn, you have the spine of an 85 year old woman!". It's time I had my day in the sun! So lately, it's been all about me. AND I have been twisted, slammed, kicked, flipped, karate chopped, and wrenched for all of my trouble. What am I anyway, compared to the colored, dyed, Botoxed, extensioned, cosmeticed, plucked, groomed, moisturized, shaved, waxed, serumed, buffed, and exfoliated MORE IMPORTANT entities that all together make up our Dawn?
Oh Dawn, you are so cruel. I have stood up for you (Literally) your whole life. You have "rewarded" me with gymnastics, wrestling, and free sparring for my dogged perseverance. Well, now its all ME, isn't it? I got MY picture taken twice this week! I had MY specialists tending to our needs this week, didn't I? HA to you, colorist! Manicurist! I'm the star this week!
Dawn, if you can't grasp how important it is to nurture and care for the structure over the exterior, who will? The foundation over the superficial? I hate to be the I-told-you-sayer of your body (I've always left that up to the SO self-important, "You can't live without ME" heart) but your reality check is NOW, my Dawn. Time for a lovely Pilates class. Hang up your theoretical wrestling boots for good. Or else.
Love,
Your Smoking Hot Lumbar, Thoracic, and Cervical Spine.
It's me, Dawns amazing Spine. It has occurred to me of late, that the hair, the smile, the face, the skin, get ALL of the attention! They don't do CRAP compared to me! PLUS, they get all the glory! "Oh Dawn, you look so youthful!". You know what I get?...."Oh Dawn, you have the spine of an 85 year old woman!". It's time I had my day in the sun! So lately, it's been all about me. AND I have been twisted, slammed, kicked, flipped, karate chopped, and wrenched for all of my trouble. What am I anyway, compared to the colored, dyed, Botoxed, extensioned, cosmeticed, plucked, groomed, moisturized, shaved, waxed, serumed, buffed, and exfoliated MORE IMPORTANT entities that all together make up our Dawn?
Oh Dawn, you are so cruel. I have stood up for you (Literally) your whole life. You have "rewarded" me with gymnastics, wrestling, and free sparring for my dogged perseverance. Well, now its all ME, isn't it? I got MY picture taken twice this week! I had MY specialists tending to our needs this week, didn't I? HA to you, colorist! Manicurist! I'm the star this week!
Dawn, if you can't grasp how important it is to nurture and care for the structure over the exterior, who will? The foundation over the superficial? I hate to be the I-told-you-sayer of your body (I've always left that up to the SO self-important, "You can't live without ME" heart) but your reality check is NOW, my Dawn. Time for a lovely Pilates class. Hang up your theoretical wrestling boots for good. Or else.
Love,
Your Smoking Hot Lumbar, Thoracic, and Cervical Spine.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
A Poet and I Know It.....
Ode to Marriage (Wife’s Lament)
By Dawn
I like the smell of Windex and he likes Coppertone.
He likes to fill our house with friends, I like to be alone.
We disagree on who’s the best rock singer of all time.
Ian Gillian* would be his pick, Rob Halford* would be mine.
While we agree Paul Rodgers* is mostly under-rated,
Lady Gaga, who I love, he has always hated.
I like gymnastics, he likes the Rams.
(I have disdain for most sports fans.)
I like salty, he likes sweet.
I’m a veg and he eats meat.
I know I am right, but we don’t fight, we “agree to disagree”.
Sometimes I even let him “win”…*wink, wink* hey, that’s just me.
“Where do we keep the duct tape?” I’ve often heard him say…
Where we keep it, and where you left it last are surely worlds away.
On our favorite restaurants, we easily agree….
He has this awesome habit of frequently spoiling me!
With all our heart we love our boys with all their silly flaws,
I’d even go so far as to say we love our mother in laws!
(Hey, I know my mom reads my blog! Sorry for the interruption….)
I like art, he likes to rock. I like to read, my man’s a jock.
I love my sweetie, Ruby Sue. (Don’t let him fool you, he does too.)
He has good guys around him. Though “guy-time” I just don’t get…
My awesome girls could rule the world; we just haven’t done it yet.
Sharing a bathroom with this man just might do me in.
Married ladies, help me out, can I get a big Amen!?
Sigh. He’s my rock star, my best friend, and my better half,
So back off ladies, don’t even try, or I’ll shank you in the calf.
The end.
*Google the ancient rockers, young people.
By Dawn
I like the smell of Windex and he likes Coppertone.
He likes to fill our house with friends, I like to be alone.
We disagree on who’s the best rock singer of all time.
Ian Gillian* would be his pick, Rob Halford* would be mine.
While we agree Paul Rodgers* is mostly under-rated,
Lady Gaga, who I love, he has always hated.
I like gymnastics, he likes the Rams.
(I have disdain for most sports fans.)
I like salty, he likes sweet.
I’m a veg and he eats meat.
I know I am right, but we don’t fight, we “agree to disagree”.
Sometimes I even let him “win”…*wink, wink* hey, that’s just me.
“Where do we keep the duct tape?” I’ve often heard him say…
Where we keep it, and where you left it last are surely worlds away.
On our favorite restaurants, we easily agree….
He has this awesome habit of frequently spoiling me!
With all our heart we love our boys with all their silly flaws,
I’d even go so far as to say we love our mother in laws!
(Hey, I know my mom reads my blog! Sorry for the interruption….)
I like art, he likes to rock. I like to read, my man’s a jock.
I love my sweetie, Ruby Sue. (Don’t let him fool you, he does too.)
He has good guys around him. Though “guy-time” I just don’t get…
My awesome girls could rule the world; we just haven’t done it yet.
Sharing a bathroom with this man just might do me in.
Married ladies, help me out, can I get a big Amen!?
Sigh. He’s my rock star, my best friend, and my better half,
So back off ladies, don’t even try, or I’ll shank you in the calf.
The end.
*Google the ancient rockers, young people.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Hot Temperatures Bring out the Pathetic in Me
This isn't news to anyone living in California right now, but....it's hot. Really, really hot. Like, southern style, chafe-inducing, happiness-killing, excuse-to-go-a-little-certifiably-crazy hot. I know there are people in other places dealing with much worse, record breaking heat; the kind that kills crops and the elderly in the same way. But, the heat that has plagued us the past couple of weeks or so has been hard to ignore.
My apartment in particular has been a bit of death trap. I've tried calling it a sauna and convincing myself that my pores are being cleansed each time I step inside my little heat box, but there aren't enough sweaty, partially clothed strangers in here to make it look like a true sauna.
I have learned one thing because of the heat, though, and that is: I am not yet a Californian (despite paying our above the national average gas prices [oh, look! We're beating the rest of the nation at something! Good job, California.] like the rest of you suckers. No. I realized that not having a sun shade for my car's windshield makes me a little late to the "common sense" party. (Those are typically not fun, but you do come away with some great life tips.)
You'd think searing the backs of my thighs on black leather seats, while branding the steering wheel seams into my palms would have gotten me right on that little errand. Hasn't happened yet. I must enjoy the challenge of maneuvering in my car so that I'm hovering over the seat while trying to steer the car with mind power until the air conditioning cools everything off. And fortunately, my car has excellent air conditioning. Which is much more than I can say for my apartment's air conditioning....
My air conditioner is basically an additional fan. It works great if your face is so close to the vent that you can see the freon in there. That leaves my and my roommate's rooms to fend for themselves. And mine's definitely given up. If you closed your eyes and thought really happy thoughts upon entering my room, you might think you were on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyland during the part where you're supposed to be in hell. Which, by the way....how is that appropriate for a kids' ride? I feel like somebody didn't think that one through.
So, since my room is clearly not trying to help me out, and since the fan in my room is mediocre at best, I've had to get creative and come up with alternate ways to keep cool at night. Here are a few:
1. I tried putting a frozen bag of peas on my neck (that's supposedly one of the spots that cools you down the quickest), and promptly thawed them. (Tomorrow's dinner now has its side dish.)
2. I tried putting a wet washcloth behind my neck, but that didn't work. Nothing more to say about that. It just doesn't work. Save yourself the hassle.
3. I've taken cold showers in the hopes that I'll shock myself into leaping out of the shower and away from the frigid temperature, but I just end up feeling like I'm in an upright swimming pool with nice, relaxing tepid water, which makes me want to stay right where I am.
4. And, in what may be my most pathetic attempt, I lost it in the middle of the night and grabbed an ice pack (most often used for keeping things cool on the go) from the freezer, and, yes......slept with it. Now, before you judge, just come over to my apartment and soak in the heat until your head feels all hot and melty on the inside. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I tried to keep the thing on my neck, but that required holding it there, which required doing a job while I slept. So, I just put it on my sheets and then laid in the spot where it was. (Such shame, such pity.)
I'm hoping this heat ends nice and soon because I'm running out of ideas. And those ice packs are not soft.
My apartment in particular has been a bit of death trap. I've tried calling it a sauna and convincing myself that my pores are being cleansed each time I step inside my little heat box, but there aren't enough sweaty, partially clothed strangers in here to make it look like a true sauna.
I have learned one thing because of the heat, though, and that is: I am not yet a Californian (despite paying our above the national average gas prices [oh, look! We're beating the rest of the nation at something! Good job, California.] like the rest of you suckers. No. I realized that not having a sun shade for my car's windshield makes me a little late to the "common sense" party. (Those are typically not fun, but you do come away with some great life tips.)
You'd think searing the backs of my thighs on black leather seats, while branding the steering wheel seams into my palms would have gotten me right on that little errand. Hasn't happened yet. I must enjoy the challenge of maneuvering in my car so that I'm hovering over the seat while trying to steer the car with mind power until the air conditioning cools everything off. And fortunately, my car has excellent air conditioning. Which is much more than I can say for my apartment's air conditioning....
My air conditioner is basically an additional fan. It works great if your face is so close to the vent that you can see the freon in there. That leaves my and my roommate's rooms to fend for themselves. And mine's definitely given up. If you closed your eyes and thought really happy thoughts upon entering my room, you might think you were on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyland during the part where you're supposed to be in hell. Which, by the way....how is that appropriate for a kids' ride? I feel like somebody didn't think that one through.
So, since my room is clearly not trying to help me out, and since the fan in my room is mediocre at best, I've had to get creative and come up with alternate ways to keep cool at night. Here are a few:
1. I tried putting a frozen bag of peas on my neck (that's supposedly one of the spots that cools you down the quickest), and promptly thawed them. (Tomorrow's dinner now has its side dish.)
2. I tried putting a wet washcloth behind my neck, but that didn't work. Nothing more to say about that. It just doesn't work. Save yourself the hassle.
3. I've taken cold showers in the hopes that I'll shock myself into leaping out of the shower and away from the frigid temperature, but I just end up feeling like I'm in an upright swimming pool with nice, relaxing tepid water, which makes me want to stay right where I am.
4. And, in what may be my most pathetic attempt, I lost it in the middle of the night and grabbed an ice pack (most often used for keeping things cool on the go) from the freezer, and, yes......slept with it. Now, before you judge, just come over to my apartment and soak in the heat until your head feels all hot and melty on the inside. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I tried to keep the thing on my neck, but that required holding it there, which required doing a job while I slept. So, I just put it on my sheets and then laid in the spot where it was. (Such shame, such pity.)
I'm hoping this heat ends nice and soon because I'm running out of ideas. And those ice packs are not soft.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Olympics, Let's discuss...
Every four years I actually get excited about sporting events. Angels, Dodgers, Lakers, and Ducks fans can just take a seat for a minute. Let me expound without your rabid sports mouth flapping. If you know me at all, you know that sports hero worship makes me check out of a conversation faster than Charlie Sheen at a National Baptist Convention meet and greet. Here comes the BUT...Every four years the Summer Olympics in all of it glory, pomp, and tradition rolls onto our television airwaves! This gives us the opportunity to talk about Badminton and Table Tennis. "Olympic Badminton Scandal!" and..."First US Women's Judo Gold Medal!", ripped fresh from the headlines! Ah, sports doesn't get any better than that! Can you tell I'm excited?
Fascinating Olympic Trivia:
All that to say, I would be remiss if I did not offer the International Olympic Committee some helpful, polite advice......
just Dawn
Fascinating Olympic Trivia:
- Citius, Altius, Fortius. Olympic Motto, Swifter, Higher, Stronger. 1921, Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympic Games. (I told you this was fascinating!)
- The oldest ever Olympian is Oscar Swahn of Sweden. He was 72 years, 281 days old when he competed at the 1920 Olympics in shooting. (There is alot to love in this factoid. I'm considering creating a FB Fan Page.)
- The first recorded ancient Olympic Games were held in 776 BC....wait for it....IN THE NUDE. (Take a moment to apply this to YOUR favorite Olympic event! You are certainly welcome for that visual!))
- Pigeon shooting was one of the sports on the program in Paris in 1900. Fortunately this shooting event was short lived. It was the only time animals were killed on purpose during an Olympic event. (Someone explain to me how this is "sporting"? Color me outraged.)
- Gabby Douglas: The First African-American Woman to win All-Around in gymnastics. (YAY!! LOVE her!!!)
- #1 viewed event in this year's 2012 Olympics: Archery. Yep. Thanks Katniss!
All that to say, I would be remiss if I did not offer the International Olympic Committee some helpful, polite advice......
- Larger swim trunks on the male divers. I appreciate an athletic physique as much as the next gal, but I'd prefer not to blush or feel creepy during synchronized diving, one of my favorites.
- Less swimming. Please. Maybe this is a request for NBC, and I'm sure many of you will handily disagree with me, but watching all of the swimming back and forth is much like NASCAR to me....you just know the car is going to make another left.
- Some insight please on how "sports" get chosen to be in the Olympics. Shooting? Tennis in, then out, then back in? Judo out then back in. I hear talk of some folks trying to get CHESS into the Olympics. Please say nay nay, IOC. That would be more boring to watch than USA's "Dream Team" basketball guys mop up the floor with every poor team from Albania to Zambia.
- Can we jazz up the gymnastic floor music? I hear better Muzak in Stater Brothers.
- I hear that at the closing ceremonies, everyone is snockered. Can we get some coverage of that, please?
just Dawn
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